You are not a monster, so let's call it by its name.
How a defensive response to perceived or felt rejection, or felt failure, is sent out to cause pain.
And how partly untreated Anxiety and ADD can cause things to derail, they are all related, but I believe you can work to break the chain.
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You have a good heart, lets start of with that.
Remember my depressive days and the long walks we had, how you waited on me for an hour in the forest when I was too distracted and did not care enough to show up when we had planned ? I took you for granted and you gave me your time. You showed me kindness, never told me to hide, I felt like I mattered, I knew that you cared, that is how I fell in love with you- you were always there.
Countless long nights waiting as I closed the pub, you really needed to rest, but I asked you to come, you came even if the noise and crowds made you numb. You really do know how to treat someone you love.
Intimately you treated me with kindness and respect. You cooked me dinner without asking, made my flatmates dishes and lifted me over gates as we hiked through the moors, walked right beside me through the night until we hours later found our way indoors. And remember me sleeping as you drove us around the Pyrenees, and the drunk lady we help on the train from Collioure ? You always made me feel so secure.
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As we got to know each-other you told me about the mysterious darkness that could fall over you at times. There were your angry reactions to not feeling heard and comments on failure that others had made (your sibling often got to feel the flames), you did not understand it, but you knew it caused you and others pain. If the pain stayed for longer you would take your responsibility and run away, hide from others until the dark thoughts went way, these dark days were moments where you anxiously question and regret or worry about all the choices that you had made.
In order to avoid falling into this darkness, you needed to know that the relationship (or any project in front of you) would not fail.
I later realized that you often moved and traveled in order to not fall into darkness and feel like you had failed or rejected for your needs , by avoiding dealing with reality (relationships, building friendships, career choice and education progress) you could avoid feeling pain. This would also keep anxiety away. Dreaming was your way to escape.
As reality of our relationship hit, all you wanted was a partner with shared similarities. You huffed and puffed, and expressed some more, at your very darkest you let me know that I might not be all that you were looking for.
When you feel rejected for what you can not have, you get anxious and express it with hurtful demands.
It was the french music and literature that I should deeply appreciate (as a non french-speaking person it was hard to relate). There were hockey and boulder that I should learn to enjoy, and in your dream there were no clubs or communities were you could fill that void. I should also learn to play the guitar, had I known how then you wouldn't have had to demand that at all.
You said that it was simply important for you that we had shared similarities, that´s all.
I know now that your anxious need for similarities had an underlying base, you worried about not being able to keep your focus and interest on your partner as your focal points of selective attention (your hobbies) took their rightful place, and that you would feel like your failing and get rejected once again. You also knew about your darker thoughts, and by avoiding to live a life where you would constantly feel rejected by your partners different interests and their dis-interest in yours, you believed you could avoid that dark anxious shadow once and for all. But this hurtful `ideal reality´ of yours has it´s costs, and eventually the individuals around you will be lost.
You also needed others deep appreciation for your music if you ever played, it hurt you just to think that others non-french reaction to your songs would be left at ”this sounds nice, its ok”. The thought of someone rejecting what you tried to portray caused you much anxiety and pain. Not even I got to know about the songs you wrote and played, even though I wanted to show you my support and participate.
When I joined you at your climbing-gym back in London I was nervous and afraid.
You responded to my tears with anger and pain, demanded me to ”just stop trying” and go away.
I told you off, wiped my tears and decided to stay,
you realized your mistake, encouraged and apologized right away.
Later when I confronted you about that day,
you responded by blaming my attitude and the hurt it caused in you, to legitimize you reacting that way. This is were I now know that the RSD came into play.
First time you flew back to Montreal after we started to date, you were excited to call me from home, that was all you could keep thinking of, snowy pictures kept raining in. Suddenly a dark wall hit, and you were not alright, I was a problem and not right for your life. A few days later you got back up from it and sincerely apologized.
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You do so many courageous and thoughtful things. You took part in my improv class on my birthday (and actually participated in the play). You learned both my native languages, sang songs and practiced every day. You let me help you look for work and you endured my hyper helping ways (very brave, I must say.. I am not an easy coach to have to deal with everyday). You left your job and visa in the UK only after 1 year, to follow me to my home-country were your future was unclear. You picked out furniture for a place you still struggled to call home, while I was struggling to be mentally strong. I had my own things to face and was not always treating you with warmth and embrace. I often times forgot what you had chose to put aside to live so far away. I often wanted to thank you, for being this brave.
Visa application never came in to play, because of strict immigration law that would not change you took it to yourself and felt like a failure each and every day, an anxiety breakdown was well on its way. I had to send you home that fall as you were not feeling ok.
We did our best to stay in touch, medically speaking it was a rough 7 months, You sent me thoughtful gifts to be there with me in spirit all throughout fall and winter. You hugged me virtually every-time my own panic and anxiety would shiver.
You eventually swallowed your fear of failure and not beeing understood and meet with therapists to get better and discuss your path,
After a few intense months of therapy sessions they all thought you were ready to soon start coming back, but all along (despite missing you) I knew that you had to stay where you were at.
There had been alot of moments of dark head-space, moments when you had to go and hide, my trauma started to re-surface, We both needed more time.
You waited with applying for work as I came to visit you in Montreal, and soon after covid lockdown came, you grew more and more anxious and frustrated and so the impulsivity derailed. I told you to look for work to give yourself stability, you emailed me a Word document about your 'ADD unstable for life´- condition. You wanted me to give you answers and instant recognition.
For me it was late at night and I had to sleep, work in the morning was waiting for me, I simply had no energy to analyze and read. You continued your demand from there, so I skyped you in order to tell you to stop scaring me, even my tears and begging did not help, you wanted me to communicate or this would have to be the end.
You need me to listen to make you feel heard, not make a mess off your clearly expressed words.
You did not seem to understand your own intensity.
The next few weeks I was a loose canon-ball, I thought I had lost you and your sanity once and for all. I made my assumptions and that was my bad. I should not have called you bipolar or that your medication was making you mad.
You had worked hard with yourself to accept medication for your ADD, and finally finishing you masters was now more than just a dream. You were taking steps to facing reality. I was blinded by my self-forfilling prophecy.
You came to my rescue, explained my action to your family, I meant well and neither of us had lost or sanity.
Months went by and you you got a job for the summer, and you were looking for an answer regarding the move, it ranged from who would change continents to that it should no longer be you, You needed to stay in Canada and I agreed with that too. You wanted me to leave everything mid covid-recession and come to you, but I told you I was not ready to make the move, I needed time to meet up a few times and regain trust in us and you. The fear of failure was anxiously knocking on your door, what if there was no guarantee of this working at all ? This uncertainty drow you and your ADD feet Anxiety off the wall.
When I wouldn't change my mind you answered with frustration, you told me that you could find a better match someone with shared similarities and more trust in you. When I told you that in that case I would move on with my life, you pointed out another plan that you had laying behind, us moving to Newfoundland in January 2021, leave both our lives behind, I should think about it over night.
This did not seem right, all logic and social ques was once again left aside. According to what I have read, a very typical rejection sensitivity dysphoria ride.
Finally I showed you the mirror, told you to see the truth, that I will not sit here and take this behavior from you.
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I had to leave you as a girlfriend, to once again become your friend, to end the anxiety derail that kept coming up time and time again.
Together we cried and reminisced for 7 hours, it was hard to come to terms that we as a couple had to end.
But finally, slowly, we can talk again,
Remember that day in Whitstable ?
Remember how I danced in the sun at the bus-stop, time and time again ?
Remember how happy I was to have found you as a friend ?
I am now letting myself breathe, and taking time to try to understand, what happened to us, how did I react, did I cause some of the boiling with my own anxiety and trauma and what is this darkness of yours that keeps on coming back ?
I know there is so much good in you, you've shown that to me, but now you need to choose who you want to strive to be.
Answer to life with humble growth and empathy
Of all the bits you could see before, you always apologised and took steps towards responsibility.
But now that you know more, do not be afraid to look within, be better for your future, thats all.
And if you ever feel rejected,
Or wonder why I pushed you away,
You should know the simple underlying truth,
I believe in you.
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