Growing pains and honesty

Looking within ourselves, internalizing our flaws and learning from them (and doing so throughout life- being human is a constant process) can hurt, we can feel shame, embarrassment, and like we are a hopeless case in the eyes of others. 

With my own anxiety, overthinking, over-fixing, over-talking, over-dwelling, I am more than familiar with having to take a look at myself and go through the pain of self-evaluation. 

Do it with love, and empathy. 

Talk to yourself like a humble friend, but ask for growth. 

And stop expecting perfection from yourself, learn to live and love yourself as an imperfect constantly evolving being. Life is not black and white. It is a grey-zone full of possibilities to fuck up in smaller and bigger ways. But learn how to face them and try to change them for the better, with warmth and acceptance. Do not be afraid of yourself, your flaws or your anxieties. 

Vulnerability is the most important skills in finding our true authentic selves and from there the courage to build forward.

We need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable humans, and meet ourselves and others as such, in order to learn and grow.

And yes, even though through time it gets easier, growing pains will always sting. 

But for each hurdle, it is only a temporary thing, 

And this journey will make sense once the growing pain subsides. 

Honesty is another thing, and a part of self-growth - are we honest about our own feelings, intentions and our actions ?

What are we fighting a battle for, and if we fight it for someone else- what outcome are we hoping for ?

We can not lead someone else`s life or their choices. 

Are we putting our own emotions and hopes in as game chips as we support someone else,

Will we risk getting hurt ? 

Do we remember to question or own agenda? 

Are we secretly afraid to loose someone to a life that we are no longer apart of ?

Or can we love and support unconditionally, and through love for ourselves (and the other part) let things be and run its ow course ?

And at what point can we let go ?

Is the battle about us with them, or simply them and however they want their life to be ? 

Be honest to yourself about the reality, our own feelings, our intentions, and the actions we choose to take, as well as the risks if we continue to actively be part of their battle- especially whilst still emotionally attached.

Self growth is also admitting that you do not know what you want or what you are doing, that you might very possibly create a mess for yourself where you end up getting hurt. 

As a small honesty example:

 I do not exactly know what I wish for me and my ex. I wish him self-growth and time to figure himself out, I wish myself time (which covid-19 so gladly gives you anyway), and I am taking the time to heal myself from anything that has weighed me down before. 

I know that having a relationship with him as he is at the moment is an unstable and hurtful path, I also know that I need to be stronger before I can add another person into my life. I know that he can and should choose to do whatever he wants to do- and if that is to go out and find love in his hometown for life then that is what it will have to be, and that if I am his friend I should support that. I also know that feeling happy about that possibility is hard, and as long as I stay in touch with him- and if that is the path he chooses, I end up getting hurt.

I know I should take my time away from our discussions and supportive talks - build on myself and my life to have my own free -standing path (as much as one can during covid-19). I also know that if I do take a step away for a while I worry that he forgets about me. I worry about being counted out for life (as he struggles to see an international relationship.. and then sees it again). I equally worry that my existence and possibility in his life brings him additional anxiety that he is already struggling with as it is. I worry that my hope for him getting better at managing his anxiety and a possibility of us to work, is ruining his chance of a life that works for him as he is. I worry that I put pressure on hoping for something that never could have been in the first place. Counting yourself out from a relationship with someone you love is never easy. It takes a lot of self-sacrifice.