Guys.. Men.. O where to start. Trying to keep your hopes up when you're single, that the one guy who makes it true is out there somewhere, its a struggle, very often a disappointing one, sometimes in a way that you might even be able to laugh about it. It can also easily lead to heartbreak.
As a single girl myself I always do my best to keep my chin up, to not lose faith in that theres still some good hearted guys out there, that "Mother Nature, has done what she had to do and rearrange the sky" So that we could all, when the time would be right, find that perfect guy for us. I also do my best to not lose faith in myself, but sometimes I get that thought in my head," well... you are weird, and maybe a bit... " and if I followed that thought I might easily lower my standards and for a moment stop believing in my own chances of ever landing a good guy, and someone id actually feel a connection with. . There would be a risk to easily fall for the bad ones.
But whenever it might start to feel hopeless, Or when I for a moment give up on myself. I remind myself to fight for them, and by them I mean my future kids (and yes I realise by writing this I might perhaps scare away any man who would have been interested.... men...). But I don't care, this is whats on my mind, and its important to me.
During those four years I was pretty much already there, the future was set, We were going to live in that Orange house with the biggest solar panels on the roof that you have ever seen. The most important room that the house had to have was a big home office where dad could sit and spend his free-time. We were most likely going to live in silicon valley and I was already constantly worried sick about how our future family's economical situation was going to look like. What sort of lives would my kids have ?
A lot of my thoughts regarding our future used to go to the economical aspects of everything, Since it already was such a big struggle in the "now ". How would we handle it ? Could he get a good job and what about me, what would I do there ?
There wasn't really much energy left for the other things that also are important when your having a family of your own.
For some time after that relationship, I still thought about the carrier and the money that followed as the most important things when deciding to have a family. I wanted to make sure that I got a job that was as highly payed as possible ( for my field ) and when looking for men I easily fell for the most potential money makers. That could most likely guarantee us a safe future. This should not be taken in all black and white though. I did value other things to, Very Much, but unconsciously they got a bit left on the side, which sometimes led to bad judgement.
But luckily our feelings and thoughts and understandment of whats truly important change. I learnt to see the most important things that where missing in that relationship and which things that most likely would for a very big part have been missing in my childs life had I stayed on that path. I learnt to see the value above all else; in true presence, ability to give the children safety and healthy guidance. Genuine and loving Care.
As I work with kids and youth with different backgrounds, some of them who`ve been taken out of custody, Ive been reminded of how important it is, that kids, above all else have safe adults in their life, and if in any way possible, that being their parents. I want that for my own children. I want them to know that they are seen and heard , that they are important as individuals, that they matter, but that they also remember to care about, listen to, and respect others. I want them to be happy, and that they know that their accepted just the way they are. I want them to feel safe and know that their allowed to show their emotions, even how challenging they sometimes might be. That they know that they can talk to us about anything.
So, I try to remind myself that that's what I want for my children, for my family, That's the type of man I want in my life, someone whose there, whose safe. Who will care even when things get difficult.
And of course I need to be that too, and I know for a fact that I may not have been that if my future had been in that Orange house, I could have been one of those parents who couldn't take care of there own, I could have been in my clients shoes. And as I learnt from life, anything can happen, and nothing can be guaranteed, I might meet someone, stay friends for a while, learn to trust them, marry them and have kids and we would as a big family live happily ever after... but that could also end, I might lose him or he might leave us and I might be left alone as a single parent.
So, if I ever start to lose hope, I keep reminding myself to continue working towards on getting whole. To grow strong and confident enough to not look for that man in the wrong places, and hopefully find that person I want to build a life with, but also to be strong enough to stand on my own as a safe mother, if it ever would happen that all they`d have was me.
I promise to do all that I can to make sure that they`ll be okey <3
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Right after this I wrote down a promise. This promise, poem or wove if you will, might sound a bit strange, but I wrote it down addressing it to them, whenever they`ll turn up (and no, not yet for a looong time).
Here it goes;
When I start to feel like I might be losing it, I get up, I get up for you. I want to be there for you and I want you to be safe, If I had stayed, If that had been your home, If that had been our life, that thought scares me more than anything, I want you to have a home were you're not alone, I want you to have a home where you know that you matter, that your not invisible. I want you to have stability.
It doesn't matter how much it hurts sometimes, how many times I get let down, because deep down I know that I don't need drama in my life, I shouldn't push to keep it, to fight for it. I can let go, I let go for you.
I fight for you <3
As a single girl myself I always do my best to keep my chin up, to not lose faith in that theres still some good hearted guys out there, that "Mother Nature, has done what she had to do and rearrange the sky" So that we could all, when the time would be right, find that perfect guy for us. I also do my best to not lose faith in myself, but sometimes I get that thought in my head," well... you are weird, and maybe a bit... " and if I followed that thought I might easily lower my standards and for a moment stop believing in my own chances of ever landing a good guy, and someone id actually feel a connection with. . There would be a risk to easily fall for the bad ones.
But whenever it might start to feel hopeless, Or when I for a moment give up on myself. I remind myself to fight for them, and by them I mean my future kids (and yes I realise by writing this I might perhaps scare away any man who would have been interested.... men...). But I don't care, this is whats on my mind, and its important to me.
During those four years I was pretty much already there, the future was set, We were going to live in that Orange house with the biggest solar panels on the roof that you have ever seen. The most important room that the house had to have was a big home office where dad could sit and spend his free-time. We were most likely going to live in silicon valley and I was already constantly worried sick about how our future family's economical situation was going to look like. What sort of lives would my kids have ?
A lot of my thoughts regarding our future used to go to the economical aspects of everything, Since it already was such a big struggle in the "now ". How would we handle it ? Could he get a good job and what about me, what would I do there ?
There wasn't really much energy left for the other things that also are important when your having a family of your own.
For some time after that relationship, I still thought about the carrier and the money that followed as the most important things when deciding to have a family. I wanted to make sure that I got a job that was as highly payed as possible ( for my field ) and when looking for men I easily fell for the most potential money makers. That could most likely guarantee us a safe future. This should not be taken in all black and white though. I did value other things to, Very Much, but unconsciously they got a bit left on the side, which sometimes led to bad judgement.
But luckily our feelings and thoughts and understandment of whats truly important change. I learnt to see the most important things that where missing in that relationship and which things that most likely would for a very big part have been missing in my childs life had I stayed on that path. I learnt to see the value above all else; in true presence, ability to give the children safety and healthy guidance. Genuine and loving Care.
As I work with kids and youth with different backgrounds, some of them who`ve been taken out of custody, Ive been reminded of how important it is, that kids, above all else have safe adults in their life, and if in any way possible, that being their parents. I want that for my own children. I want them to know that they are seen and heard , that they are important as individuals, that they matter, but that they also remember to care about, listen to, and respect others. I want them to be happy, and that they know that their accepted just the way they are. I want them to feel safe and know that their allowed to show their emotions, even how challenging they sometimes might be. That they know that they can talk to us about anything.
So, I try to remind myself that that's what I want for my children, for my family, That's the type of man I want in my life, someone whose there, whose safe. Who will care even when things get difficult.
And of course I need to be that too, and I know for a fact that I may not have been that if my future had been in that Orange house, I could have been one of those parents who couldn't take care of there own, I could have been in my clients shoes. And as I learnt from life, anything can happen, and nothing can be guaranteed, I might meet someone, stay friends for a while, learn to trust them, marry them and have kids and we would as a big family live happily ever after... but that could also end, I might lose him or he might leave us and I might be left alone as a single parent.
So, if I ever start to lose hope, I keep reminding myself to continue working towards on getting whole. To grow strong and confident enough to not look for that man in the wrong places, and hopefully find that person I want to build a life with, but also to be strong enough to stand on my own as a safe mother, if it ever would happen that all they`d have was me.
I promise to do all that I can to make sure that they`ll be okey <3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right after this I wrote down a promise. This promise, poem or wove if you will, might sound a bit strange, but I wrote it down addressing it to them, whenever they`ll turn up (and no, not yet for a looong time).
Here it goes;
When I start to feel like I might be losing it, I get up, I get up for you. I want to be there for you and I want you to be safe, If I had stayed, If that had been your home, If that had been our life, that thought scares me more than anything, I want you to have a home were you're not alone, I want you to have a home where you know that you matter, that your not invisible. I want you to have stability.
It doesn't matter how much it hurts sometimes, how many times I get let down, because deep down I know that I don't need drama in my life, I shouldn't push to keep it, to fight for it. I can let go, I let go for you.
I fight for you <3
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