I wanted to write down a list of facts that I find important to say, but that I either don't want to make entire post of due to their negativeness ( if that makes any sense ?) or simply because I cant find any other place to fit them. Even though some things might be difficult to reflect on, Ive found that its important to be aware of them all. Only that way can you truly start growing towards something better, get closer to becoming whole.
As time goes by I`ll most likely keep on filling this list with other facts that Id like to share but fit no where else..
But first, here are some;
I used to be, and it really hit me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it ( some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could recall ). I wanted to deal with my past, in some way heal my wounds by being there for me again, and by learning from it, try to ensure that it would never happen again. As I now, years later, read through my writings about that relationship, I could feel the anger I still had within me then, but also a sense of hope, positive thinking and determination to learn from it ( even though that still a lot of times has been more simply said than done.. ) I'm thankful to myself that I decided to wait for a few years before starting to share my thoughts over the Internet.
Today I know that he cant do much about his behaviour, I worked for a while now with kids with similar background that he has, broken homes with a lot of instabilities and mental health issues. I`ve educated myself in his type of behaviour too so I can let go of the anger, I don't blame myself, but I also made the decision to not waist more energy on his behaviour either. But of course I sometimes worry who he might hold on to know, who's slowly losing their breath ? Who's unknowing and blames themselves, who feels ashamed and tells no one ? I actually contacted his new girlfriend a few years back.. I never actually told this to anyone else..I wanted to warn her, since I never knew, ended up blaming myself and then stayed silent. I knew that she wouldn't listen ( I wouldn't have either so I do Understand.. ) but I felt that I had to, just so that if she ever found herself on the edge of breaking into pieces, she would know not to blame herself, that shes not the only one, and that she wouldn't toss away the most precious thing she still had left, her life.
Even though I don't feel anger anymore, I secretly sometimes have a small though of finding out in which bar he is, seducing him, making him want me, be just what he wants me to be and then kick him in the.... and walk away like a Charlies Angel... Yes, and No its not the kicking part ( that wouldn't be very healthy ) Its more of showing him that I'm the one with the control, I'm the one who can face him. But, that will Never happen and its not a healthy way of dealing with this. The healthier and best way is no contact, growing stronger and moving on with your own life. But by admitting that little thought of mine I wanted to point out that we all probably have those thoughts sometimes, and its OK !
There is also no acceptance in me for his behavior. No matter how ill he might be, he newer had the right to treat me that way. I know that.
As a child I was always taught to be kind and understanding, and also to always try, to be persistence. I guess that's where the "If I just- behavior strategy " came from. This is probably the thing that still sometimes has an effect on me some days, in good and bad. But as I learnt to see the roots for it and to be honest to myself regarding how it affects me and my behavior.
I was also a very sensitive child, I got easily hurt and had a lot on my mind. My parents were there in the best way they knew. I remember situations where I didn't feel protected or understood, for example when I got bullied really badly by a boy in pre-school and my parents were to busy with work ( it was during the years this country was fighting hard to stamp up from the economical recession ), I didn't want to go there, and I wasn't heard, I started to develop a pattern of not telling ” it wont help to tell anyway ” that I held on to in many situations. During later school years though, I did start to tell my parents some of the things that were dragging me down, for example regarding being bullied, and they always helped me in the best way they knew.
However, I also learnt to some extent not to talk about things if there was a chance that it could hurt or bother someone else, to not lay my problems on others, to keep them happy, and that traumatic experiences and feelings of depression and anxiety were a bit of an Tabu subject; its to much, and If you tell about whats dragging you down we might not be able deal with it, we wouldn't know what to do. And in worst case it could hurt someone else. So I kept it in as much as I could.
But keeping it in never helps, and it can occasionally even lead to odd behavior where you show your helplessness just to get someone to see you.
Another thing that keeping all the emotions in led to was closing up. I closed up a lot. Instead of telling how I felt, I either didn't deal with it at all or as I got an emotional rush I fled into ”martyr mode”. Which means that I sat on it in silence, secretly hoping that someone would break me out of it.
In my late teens, when I was far in that four year relationship, this behaviour led into anxiety and then panic attacks, that I, over the past 3 years have started to learn to understand, I don't really get them anymore, I might get anxious, but it doesn't lead into panic, As I wrote so many times before, I don't leave myself alone anymore <3
Always tell how you feel, especially to the ones you're closest to. Don't be afraid to talk and don't get closed up. This Is definitely a subject I want to write about in a future Post.
Important here to know how ever, is that I, despite this occasional helplessness, always had a little spunk within me, that that maybe grew from the always try and never give up part. I always tried to solve arguments among friends and I stood up for others when they were pushed down.. not always in the most elegant way.. ( in third grade I bite a boy in the arm when I found him bullying my friend and he wouldn't stop when I asked him how it would make him feel if someone laughed at him when he cried. It sure did stop the bullying.. but it wouldn't be a solution id suggest to anyone else.. ) But have to say, I'm still a bit proud of of that little me anyway :D
So, I was a sensitive child and a somewhat difficult teenager and during my teens I was told that if it got more difficult we would have to find help for me somewhere else, meaning therapy. ( My parents did care, they just didn't know how) I never wanted to be sent somewhere else. I had a lot of pain that I didn't deal with ( something to personal to write here, but that I'm aware and in control of today, I decide and I speak up my mind <3 )
The same problem came up during those four years, I didn't want to be sent somewhere else to get help, I wanted acceptance and hugs, more than ever, but felt too ashamed to tell about what was going on.
The physical things that happened during those four years made me afraid of closeness, even though I deeply wanted those hugs, I pulled away as my parents got closer.
A lot of times I felt like I wasn't heard or understood, So.. I fell for him easily. For a long time I kept convincing myself that here is the one person who listens, here is the one person who understands.
I didn`t tell about the downfalls to my parents because I felt that I needed him, he was my ”rock” I also felt a great amount of shame and didn't want my parents to be right, I didn't want to be the troubled girl, the black-sheep who once again had ”done something wrong”. I was afraid to not be understood. I wanted to be the big grown up girl who had found her own path in life, and was persistently going to stick with it. ( If you want to know more, Look up Post: Why do you Stay ?)
Over the past 3-4 years this feeling of shame and closing up has slowly turned around and today the communication in my family, especially with my parents, is better and than ever. We all talk about how we feel, we share our happiness and worries and I've learnt to see so much more positive factors from my parents communication than I did before, both towards me and between them.
And to talk about mental health and Therapy, that is no longer a scary subject that raises tension. We also use more positive terms for things like getting professional help, We don't talk about "Sending you somewhere else " We talk about the importance of doing things that makes you feel good. That is me as well as the other members of the family. And when it comes to Therapy, Anyone can be in the need of that sometimes, Not just Me. I also know that they have my back if anything happens, I'm not left alone <3 . ( ps. Look up post; Real life Role models)
I also run to hug my my parents every time they greet me at the door. During my teens and those four years the communication between me and my sister wasn't the best either. But since that ended I've felt that its become better by each day. Its important to talk. But also to respect the other and take it step by step.
But the reason I hate roses is not because I would fear that that's the only thing I'd get,
I Don't care for Stuff, I care for what they represent, love, and that wasn't out of love, I know it.
So ever after this I say; Don't say what you don't mean, don't say I love you to fast,
You cant know that before you truly know someone. So until you do, don't give me roses.
And to show me that you do, never give me dark red ones,
there's just something about there overly passionate corniness,
its like there not true, not real, there not personal.
How weird as it may sound, that is the gesture Id truly appreciate.
Hah, I know the answer to this one since I started dating a guy about 9 months after I left that 4 year misery. I knew that I wasn't ready, and I told him, several times, but then as we all like to have someone around, and he was the kindest guy I meet in a really really long time, within a few months we were in a relationship. He made me laugh again and every time I was struggling he was helpful. But I didn't know who I was, and already after a half year we started to grow apart. I found myself and knew that I needed time. All and all we were together for about a year.
Well, how did my past effect that? Trust, definitely the trust issues and especially regarding the drinking and being able to take care of things. I was afraid of him getting drunk, I couldn't trust that he could take care of his own schoolwork, finding a job and just to take care of anything that needed a bit more planning. I was always worried, asking him and making sure of things like a million times, even tried to fix things for him. I also, looking back on it afterwards, realise that I didn't put much effort into our relationship and I could be a bit too straight forward with the things I said, I wasn't always so concernt about his feelings and I guess there were a lot of anger left from the past relationship. I did care, I organised a Birthday celebration and gathered his friends, I cooked for him a little, We went travelling, I helped him refurnish his apartment, I helped to search for open vacancies when his graduation was getting closer, I encouraged him to be in contact with his friends more, you know, Guy time ? And we both made sure to do fun things together. But I wasn't really there, and I want to be there for someone. The Physical closeness was another thing but those trust issues got fixed to the most part fairly quickly, and I ow him a big Thank you for hugging me every day.
When it comes to future relationships, or if I started to date right now, how would that past affect it ? Id probably still react strongly to the drinking, not only because I'm afraid and get that Dejavu feeling of " if this is like this then what else is the same.." But also because I'm tired of guys who behave that way, you don't need to get drunk up your ass you know ? I think another big one would be to trust that his not just using me, or that everything isn't soon turning up - side down. That I don't have another abuser on my hands, since Ive learnt that you never know if that person that you first meet is trustworthy. It takes time, a lot of time, and that's why I find it important to always be friends first. My view on my future dating is something I will write more about in a later post.
That's all in this post for now.
As time goes by I`ll most likely keep on filling this list with other facts that Id like to share but fit no where else..
But first, here are some;
- He never hit me, I want you to know that.
- Am I angry ?
I used to be, and it really hit me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it ( some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could recall ). I wanted to deal with my past, in some way heal my wounds by being there for me again, and by learning from it, try to ensure that it would never happen again. As I now, years later, read through my writings about that relationship, I could feel the anger I still had within me then, but also a sense of hope, positive thinking and determination to learn from it ( even though that still a lot of times has been more simply said than done.. ) I'm thankful to myself that I decided to wait for a few years before starting to share my thoughts over the Internet.
Today I know that he cant do much about his behaviour, I worked for a while now with kids with similar background that he has, broken homes with a lot of instabilities and mental health issues. I`ve educated myself in his type of behaviour too so I can let go of the anger, I don't blame myself, but I also made the decision to not waist more energy on his behaviour either. But of course I sometimes worry who he might hold on to know, who's slowly losing their breath ? Who's unknowing and blames themselves, who feels ashamed and tells no one ? I actually contacted his new girlfriend a few years back.. I never actually told this to anyone else..I wanted to warn her, since I never knew, ended up blaming myself and then stayed silent. I knew that she wouldn't listen ( I wouldn't have either so I do Understand.. ) but I felt that I had to, just so that if she ever found herself on the edge of breaking into pieces, she would know not to blame herself, that shes not the only one, and that she wouldn't toss away the most precious thing she still had left, her life.
Even though I don't feel anger anymore, I secretly sometimes have a small though of finding out in which bar he is, seducing him, making him want me, be just what he wants me to be and then kick him in the.... and walk away like a Charlies Angel... Yes, and No its not the kicking part ( that wouldn't be very healthy ) Its more of showing him that I'm the one with the control, I'm the one who can face him. But, that will Never happen and its not a healthy way of dealing with this. The healthier and best way is no contact, growing stronger and moving on with your own life. But by admitting that little thought of mine I wanted to point out that we all probably have those thoughts sometimes, and its OK !
There is also no acceptance in me for his behavior. No matter how ill he might be, he newer had the right to treat me that way. I know that.
- How did my childhood effect my behavior that let into it ?
As a child I was always taught to be kind and understanding, and also to always try, to be persistence. I guess that's where the "If I just- behavior strategy " came from. This is probably the thing that still sometimes has an effect on me some days, in good and bad. But as I learnt to see the roots for it and to be honest to myself regarding how it affects me and my behavior.
I was also a very sensitive child, I got easily hurt and had a lot on my mind. My parents were there in the best way they knew. I remember situations where I didn't feel protected or understood, for example when I got bullied really badly by a boy in pre-school and my parents were to busy with work ( it was during the years this country was fighting hard to stamp up from the economical recession ), I didn't want to go there, and I wasn't heard, I started to develop a pattern of not telling ” it wont help to tell anyway ” that I held on to in many situations. During later school years though, I did start to tell my parents some of the things that were dragging me down, for example regarding being bullied, and they always helped me in the best way they knew.
However, I also learnt to some extent not to talk about things if there was a chance that it could hurt or bother someone else, to not lay my problems on others, to keep them happy, and that traumatic experiences and feelings of depression and anxiety were a bit of an Tabu subject; its to much, and If you tell about whats dragging you down we might not be able deal with it, we wouldn't know what to do. And in worst case it could hurt someone else. So I kept it in as much as I could.
But keeping it in never helps, and it can occasionally even lead to odd behavior where you show your helplessness just to get someone to see you.
Another thing that keeping all the emotions in led to was closing up. I closed up a lot. Instead of telling how I felt, I either didn't deal with it at all or as I got an emotional rush I fled into ”martyr mode”. Which means that I sat on it in silence, secretly hoping that someone would break me out of it.
In my late teens, when I was far in that four year relationship, this behaviour led into anxiety and then panic attacks, that I, over the past 3 years have started to learn to understand, I don't really get them anymore, I might get anxious, but it doesn't lead into panic, As I wrote so many times before, I don't leave myself alone anymore <3
Always tell how you feel, especially to the ones you're closest to. Don't be afraid to talk and don't get closed up. This Is definitely a subject I want to write about in a future Post.
Important here to know how ever, is that I, despite this occasional helplessness, always had a little spunk within me, that that maybe grew from the always try and never give up part. I always tried to solve arguments among friends and I stood up for others when they were pushed down.. not always in the most elegant way.. ( in third grade I bite a boy in the arm when I found him bullying my friend and he wouldn't stop when I asked him how it would make him feel if someone laughed at him when he cried. It sure did stop the bullying.. but it wouldn't be a solution id suggest to anyone else.. ) But have to say, I'm still a bit proud of of that little me anyway :D
So, I was a sensitive child and a somewhat difficult teenager and during my teens I was told that if it got more difficult we would have to find help for me somewhere else, meaning therapy. ( My parents did care, they just didn't know how) I never wanted to be sent somewhere else. I had a lot of pain that I didn't deal with ( something to personal to write here, but that I'm aware and in control of today, I decide and I speak up my mind <3 )
The same problem came up during those four years, I didn't want to be sent somewhere else to get help, I wanted acceptance and hugs, more than ever, but felt too ashamed to tell about what was going on.
The physical things that happened during those four years made me afraid of closeness, even though I deeply wanted those hugs, I pulled away as my parents got closer.
A lot of times I felt like I wasn't heard or understood, So.. I fell for him easily. For a long time I kept convincing myself that here is the one person who listens, here is the one person who understands.
I didn`t tell about the downfalls to my parents because I felt that I needed him, he was my ”rock” I also felt a great amount of shame and didn't want my parents to be right, I didn't want to be the troubled girl, the black-sheep who once again had ”done something wrong”. I was afraid to not be understood. I wanted to be the big grown up girl who had found her own path in life, and was persistently going to stick with it. ( If you want to know more, Look up Post: Why do you Stay ?)
Over the past 3-4 years this feeling of shame and closing up has slowly turned around and today the communication in my family, especially with my parents, is better and than ever. We all talk about how we feel, we share our happiness and worries and I've learnt to see so much more positive factors from my parents communication than I did before, both towards me and between them.
And to talk about mental health and Therapy, that is no longer a scary subject that raises tension. We also use more positive terms for things like getting professional help, We don't talk about "Sending you somewhere else " We talk about the importance of doing things that makes you feel good. That is me as well as the other members of the family. And when it comes to Therapy, Anyone can be in the need of that sometimes, Not just Me. I also know that they have my back if anything happens, I'm not left alone <3 . ( ps. Look up post; Real life Role models)
I also run to hug my my parents every time they greet me at the door. During my teens and those four years the communication between me and my sister wasn't the best either. But since that ended I've felt that its become better by each day. Its important to talk. But also to respect the other and take it step by step.
- Despite all the parties I witnessed, there were no alcohol problems in my family, slight tipsiness doesn't count. The drunken behavior that I had to deal with during that relationship.. It was all very new to me. All the excessive drinking, drunkenness and even smoking was very unfamiliar to me. In fact I remember dad lightning up a cigarette ones, I was 8 years old, it was New Years Eve. I got so angry and scared because I thought that he might die early now.. I told my dad to stop smoking.. Well, I tried to smoke twice at 17 ( I know.. I'm such a bad girl right.. :D ) did not work, and I never did that again.
- You don't preach against guns and violence and then repeatedly play online shooting games with your friends. You don't preach that and then for fun, inside the apartment, try to shoot your girlfriend with a BB toy Gun with plastic bullets. You don't Ever do that to Anyone.
- I know that I`ve had and still sometimes get affected by PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress ), but Ive learnt to deal with it and talk about it, no shame.
- 2011 The most difficult Year of my life, hopefully. The abuse had gone on for so long, I had lived with him for a year, I was in this city where I really hadn`t made a connection to many people. And I still hadn`t found the right way to communicate with the people who all along cared about me more then I understood at that point. I was more lost than ever and the Panic Attacks took over... I had become grey, literally. If you ever met me then, and haven`t seen me since, please get to know me again, it would mean the world to me <3
- Theres a reason why I hate Dark Red Roses; Once, before we lived together, he was late to come and visit me, and I mean a day and a night passed by, I had cooked for him, I didn't know where he was, No one seemed to know. He lived two hours away. He didn't answer. I got very worried. I stayed up until late, left a note and key at the door, in case he`d show up. The next day he did. He had fallen a sleep by mistake. He had a surprise with him. It was an Iron Rose (without colour), so that I would always have it, it would never die, just like his love ( He could be very Corny when he wanted to..). Through time it started to represent the fact that he never has to do anything for me again, He reminded me of giving me that Rose, so what more was there ? And even if he did ( because sometimes after reminding and begging him he did, I got roses from the supermarket on my 20th birthday) nothing would be good enough for me, Not even if he took down the moon for me ( Yes.. he used that frase too, several times..)
But the reason I hate roses is not because I would fear that that's the only thing I'd get,
I Don't care for Stuff, I care for what they represent, love, and that wasn't out of love, I know it.
So ever after this I say; Don't say what you don't mean, don't say I love you to fast,
You cant know that before you truly know someone. So until you do, don't give me roses.
And to show me that you do, never give me dark red ones,
there's just something about there overly passionate corniness,
its like there not true, not real, there not personal.
How weird as it may sound, that is the gesture Id truly appreciate.
- In the end of our relationship ( that would be the last months of it ) I was mean too, I started losing some of my respect for him as I slowly realised how much he really didn't have it together. To some extent I stopped caring about how I talked to him and how that would make him feel. I guess you could say that I became a bit of a bitch, a loving bitch, with a caring heart, but a bitch.
- How I think my past relationship would effect a new one ?
Hah, I know the answer to this one since I started dating a guy about 9 months after I left that 4 year misery. I knew that I wasn't ready, and I told him, several times, but then as we all like to have someone around, and he was the kindest guy I meet in a really really long time, within a few months we were in a relationship. He made me laugh again and every time I was struggling he was helpful. But I didn't know who I was, and already after a half year we started to grow apart. I found myself and knew that I needed time. All and all we were together for about a year.
Well, how did my past effect that? Trust, definitely the trust issues and especially regarding the drinking and being able to take care of things. I was afraid of him getting drunk, I couldn't trust that he could take care of his own schoolwork, finding a job and just to take care of anything that needed a bit more planning. I was always worried, asking him and making sure of things like a million times, even tried to fix things for him. I also, looking back on it afterwards, realise that I didn't put much effort into our relationship and I could be a bit too straight forward with the things I said, I wasn't always so concernt about his feelings and I guess there were a lot of anger left from the past relationship. I did care, I organised a Birthday celebration and gathered his friends, I cooked for him a little, We went travelling, I helped him refurnish his apartment, I helped to search for open vacancies when his graduation was getting closer, I encouraged him to be in contact with his friends more, you know, Guy time ? And we both made sure to do fun things together. But I wasn't really there, and I want to be there for someone. The Physical closeness was another thing but those trust issues got fixed to the most part fairly quickly, and I ow him a big Thank you for hugging me every day.
When it comes to future relationships, or if I started to date right now, how would that past affect it ? Id probably still react strongly to the drinking, not only because I'm afraid and get that Dejavu feeling of " if this is like this then what else is the same.." But also because I'm tired of guys who behave that way, you don't need to get drunk up your ass you know ? I think another big one would be to trust that his not just using me, or that everything isn't soon turning up - side down. That I don't have another abuser on my hands, since Ive learnt that you never know if that person that you first meet is trustworthy. It takes time, a lot of time, and that's why I find it important to always be friends first. My view on my future dating is something I will write more about in a later post.
That's all in this post for now.
Comments
Post a Comment