Reflecting on the past and acknowledging its effect

I wanted to write down a list of facts that I find important to say, but that I either do not want to make entire post of due to their darkness. Even though some things might be difficult to reflect on, I have found that it is important to be aware of them all. Only that way can you truly start growing towards something better, get closer to becoming whole.

 

•  He (2008-2012) never hit me, I want you to know that.

• Am I angry ? 

I used to be, and it really got to me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it (some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could recall). I wanted to deal with my past, in some way heal my wounds by being there for me again, and by learning from it, try to ensure that it would never happen again. As I now, years later, read through my writings about that relationship, I could feel the anger I still had within me then, but also a sense of hope, positive thinking and determination to learn from it (even though that still a lot of times has been more simply said than done..) I am thankful to myself that I decided to wait for a few years before starting to share my thoughts over the Internet.

Today I know that he can not do much about his behavior, I worked for a while now with kids with similar background that he has, broken homes with a lot of instabilities and mental health issues. I have educated myself in his type of behavior too so I can let go of the anger, I do not blame myself, but I also made the decision to not waist more energy on his behavior either. But of course I sometimes worry who he might hold on to know, who is slowly losing their breath ? Who is unknowing and blames themselves, who feels ashamed and tells no one ? I actually contacted his new girlfriend a few years back.. I never actually told this to anyone.. I wanted to warn her; since I never knew, I ended up blaming myself and then stayed silent. I knew that she would not listen (I would not have either so I did Understand..) but I felt that I had to, just so that if she ever found herself on the edge of breaking into pieces, she would know not to blame herself, that she is not the only one, and that she would not throw away the most precious thing she still had left, her life.

Even though I do not feel anger anymore, I secretly sometimes have a small though of finding out in which bar he is and then kick him in the.... and walk away like a Charlies Angel... and No it is not the kicking part that intrigues me (that would not be very healthy) It is showing him that I am the one with the control, that I can face him. But, that will Never happen and it is not a healthy way of dealing with this. The healthier and best way is no contact, growing stronger and moving on with my own life. But by admitting that little thought of mine I wanted to point out that we all probably have those thoughts sometimes, and it is OK !

There is also no acceptance in me for his behavior. No matter how ill he might be, he newer had the right to treat me that way. I know that.

•  How did my childhood effect my behavior that let into it ?

As a child I was always taught to be kind and understanding, and also to always try, to be persistence. I guess that is where the "If I just- behavior strategy" came from. This is probably the thing that still sometimes has an effect on me some days, in both good and bad. But as I learned to see the roots for it I could be honest to myself regarding how it affects me and my behavior.

I was also a very sensitive child, I got easily hurt and had a lot on my mind. My parents were there in the best way they knew. I remember situations where I did not feel protected or understood, for example when I got bullied really badly by a boy in pre-school and my parents were to busy with work (it was during the years this country was fighting hard to stamp up from the economical recession), I did not want to go there, and I was not heard, I started to develop a pattern of not telling ”it wont help to tell anyway” that I held on to in many situations. During later school years though, I did start to tell my parents some of the things that were dragging me down, for example regarding being bullied, and they always helped me in the best way they knew.

However, I also learned to some extent not to talk about things if there was a chance that it could hurt or bother someone else, to not lay my problems on others, to keep them happy, and that traumatic experiences and feelings of depression and anxiety were a bit of an Taboo subject; it is too much, and If you tell about whats dragging you down we might not be able deal with it, we would not know what to do. And in worst case it could hurt someone else. So I kept it in as much as I could.

But keeping it in never helps, and it can occasionally even lead to odd behavior where you show your helplessness just to get someone to see you.

Another thing that kept all the emotions hidden was the strategy of closing up. I closed up a lot. Instead of telling how I felt, I either did not deal with it at all or as I got an emotional rush I fled into ”martyr mode”. Which means that I sat on it in silence, secretly hoping that someone would break me out of it.

In my late teens, when I was far in that four year relationship, this behavior led into anxiety and then PTSD related panic attacks, that I, over the past 3 years have started to learn to understand, I do not really get them anymore, I might get anxious, but it does very rarely lead into PTSD panic, As I wrote so many times before, I do not leave myself alone anymore. 

Always tell how you feel, especially to the ones you are closest to. Do not be afraid to talk and do not get closed up. 

I should mention though, that despite this occasional helplessness, I always had a little spunk within me, that that maybe grew from the "always try and never give up- part". I always tried to solve arguments among friends and I stood up for others when they were pushed down.. not always in the most elegant way.. (in third grade I bit a boy in the arm when I found him bullying my friend and he would not stop when I asked him how it would make him feel if someone laughed at him when he cried. It sure did stop the bullying.. but it would not be a solution I would suggest to anyone else..) But  I have to say, I am still a bit proud of of that little me anyway. 


So,  I was a sensitive child and a somewhat difficult teenager and during my teens I was told that if it got more difficult we would have to find help for me somewhere else, meaning therapy. (My parents did care, they just did not know how) I never wanted to be sent somewhere else. I had a lot of pain that I did not deal with (something too personal to write here, but that I am aware and in control of today, I decide and I speak up my mind)


The same problem came up during those four years of abuse, I did not want to be sent somewhere else to get help, I wanted acceptance and hugs, more than ever, but felt too ashamed to tell about what was going on.

The physical things that happened during those four years made me afraid of closeness, even though I deeply wanted those hugs, I pulled away as my parents got closer.

A lot of times I felt like I was not heard or understood, So.. I fell for him easily. For a long time I kept convincing myself that here is the one person who listens, here is the one person who understands.
I did not tell about the downfalls to my parents because I felt that I needed him, he was my ”rock” I also felt a great amount of shame and did not want my parents to be right, I did not want to be the troubled girl, the black-sheep who once again had ”done something wrong”. I was afraid to not be understood. I wanted to be the big grown up girl who had found her own path in life, and was persistently going to stick with it. 


Over the past 3-4 years this feeling of shame and closing up has slowly turned around and today the communication in my family, especially with my parents, is better than ever. We talk about how we feel, we share our happiness and sometimes even worries and I have learned to see so much more positive factors from my parents communication than I did before, both towards me and between them.

And to talk about mental health and therapy, that is no longer a scary subject that raises tension. We also use more positive terms for things like getting professional help, We do not talk about "Sending you somewhere else " We talk about the importance of doing things that makes you feel good. That is me as well as the other members of the family. And when it comes to therapy, Anyone can be in the need of that sometimes, Not just Me. I also know that they have my back if anything happens. 

I also hug my my parents every time they greet me at the door. During my teens and those four years the communication between me and my sister was not the best either. But since that ended I have felt that it has become better by each day. It is important to talk. But also to respect the other and take it step by step.

• Despite all the parties I witnessed, there were no alcohol problems in my family, slight tipsiness does not count. The drunken behavior that I had to deal with during that relationship.. It was all very new to me. All the excessive drinking, drunkenness and even smoking was very unfamiliar to me. In fact I remember dad lightning up a cigarette once, I was 8 years old, it was New Years Eve.  I got so angry and scared because I thought that he might die early now.. I told my dad to stop smoking.. Well, I tried to smoke twice at 17,  did not work, and I never did that again. 

• You do not preach against guns and violence and then repeatedly play online shooting games with your friends. You do not preach that and then for fun, inside the apartment, try to shoot your girlfriend with a BB toy Gun with plastic bullets. You do not do that to Anyone, Ever. 

• I know that I have had and still sometimes get affected by PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress), but I have learned to deal with it and talk about it, no shame. 

• 2011 The most difficult Year of my life, hopefully. The abuse had gone on for so long, I had lived with him for a year, I was in this city where I really had not made a connection to many people. And I still had not found the right way to communicate with the people who all along cared about me more then I understood at that point. I was more lost than ever and the Panic Attacks took over... I had become grey, literally. If you ever met me then, and have not seen me since, please get to know me again, it would mean the world to me. 

• There is a reason why I hate Dark Red Roses; Once, before we lived together, he was late to come and visit me, and I mean a day and a night passed by, I had cooked for him, I did not know where he was, No one seemed to know. He lived two hours away. He did not answer. I got very worried. I stayed up until late, left a note and key at the door, in case he would show up. The next day he did. He had fallen a sleep by mistake. He had a surprise with him. It was an Iron Rose (without color), so that I would always have it, it would never die, just like his love (He could be very Corny when he wanted to..). Through time it started to represent the fact that he never has to do anything for me again, He reminded me of giving me that Rose, so what more was there ? And even if he did (because sometimes after reminding and begging him he did, I got roses from the supermarket on my 20th birthday) nothing would be good enough for me, Not even if he took down the moon for me (Yes.. he used that phrase too, several times..)

          But the reason I hate roses is not because I would fear that that's the only thing I would get,
          I do not care for stuff, I care for what they represent, love, and that was not out of love, I know that.

          So ever after this I say; 

Do not say what you do not mean, do not say I love you too fast,

          You can not know that before you truly know someone. So until you do, do not give me roses.

And to show me that you do, never give me dark red ones (regardless how romantic they may seem).

          It is like they are not true, not real, they are not personal.
          How strange as it may sound, that is the gesture (not getting them) I would truly appreciate.
        

•  In the end of me and my abusers relationship (that would be the last months of it)  I was mean too, I started losing some of my respect for him as I slowly realized how much he really did not have it together. To some extent I stopped caring about how I talked to him and how that would make him feel. I guess you could say that I became a bit of a bitch, a loving bitch, with a caring heart, but a bitch. Just wanted to be honest about that. 

•  How I think my past relationship would effect a new one ?  

Hah, I know the answer to this one since I started dating a guy about 9 months after I left that 4 year misery. I knew that I was not ready, and I told him, several times, but then as we all like to have someone around, and he was the kindest guy I meet in a really long time, within a few months we were in a relationship. He made me laugh again and every time I was struggling he was helpful. But I did not know who I was, and already after half  a year we started to grow apart. I found myself and knew that I needed time. All and all we were together for about a year.

Well, how did my past effect that? Trust, definitely the trust issues and especially regarding the drinking and being able to take care of things. I was afraid of him getting drunk, I could not trust that he could take care of his own schoolwork, finding a job and just to take care of anything that needed a bit more planning. I was always worried, asking him and making sure of things like a million times, even tried to fix things for him. I also, looking back on it afterwards, realize that I did not put much effort into our relationship and I could be a bit too straight forward with the things I said, I was not always so concerned about his feelings and I guess there were a lot of anger left from the past relationship. I did care, I organised a birthday celebration and gathered his friends, I cooked for him a little, We went travelling, I helped him refurnish his apartment, I helped to search for open vacancies when his graduation was getting closer, I encouraged him to be in contact with his friends more, you know, Guy time ? And we both made sure to do fun things together. But I was not really there, and I want to be there for someone. The physical closeness was another thing but those trust issues got fixed to the most part fairly quickly, and I ow him a big Thank you for hugging me every day.

If I entered a relationship now, how would "that" past affect it ? I would probably still react strongly to the drinking, not only because I am afraid and get that Dejavu feeling of " if this is like this then what else is the same.." But also because I am tired of guys who behave that way, you do not need to get drunk up your ass you know ? I think another big one would be to trust that his not just using me, or that everything is not soon turning up-side down. That I do not have another abuser wrapped around me, since I have learned that you never know if that person that you first meet is trustworthy. It takes time, a lot of time, and that is why I find it important to always be friends first.