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Right here (getting time for growth and healing)

I went out hiking this weekend

 Sometimes when you get out in the nature you remember to think clearly, you stop for a second and get closer to yourself than ever. Watching over the quiet lake reminded me of how thankful I am of my own vulnerability as well as my strength and the fact that I am still standing.

 I am thankful for no longer being there, in that down-dragging mess that could have been my future, I am thankful that I am here, right here and still breathing, but without the feeling of hopelessness in my chest.

 As night came, we; that is us scout leaders and some of the kids, did something that I secretly always dream of, we searched out a clearing from the trees where we then laid on our backs to watch over the clearest starry sky.
Again I was reminded of how thankful I am to just breathe, even though it some days almost breaks me in to pieces that your not here yet..I started thinking of where you are..

I am thankful for the time that I have to get back in touch with the person I am that was lost.

 When I see other couples, the happy ones and especially those who started a family, I think about how lucky they are, and how lucky and grateful I would be to have that, but that it is not my time just yet and that even though I miss them, some days terribly, I am thankful to be exactly where I am, where I need to be. 

Sometimes I would however want to have just a glimpse into that future, to be there with them for a little while, to know that they are there, and even more important then that, that they are happy and safe.

 I miss him, I miss them and wonder when and where, and if ever, But no matter what I am going through, or what I am feeling, I make sure to remind myself, how lucky I am to be right here, right where I am supposed to be. 



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