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When the world is upside down

 I wasn't really sure on what to write about, and my head has been quite empty lately but I have decided to give it a go. 


I feel bad for feeling good about things right now, yet the upside down state of our current world; ..such as

 (...upper management violations against bottom bunk employee rights*, nationwide strikes in the social and healthcare sector (my previous field) due to staff mistreatment, surrounding mental instability and depression leaking in from so many corners, war, climate, internet trolls, closet chauvinists, world hunger, media, propaganda, feeling guilty of probably not caring enough, nuclear threats, higher costs and increasing income gaps..and loneliness and the guiltiness of feeling bad/sad about my loneliness when mother earth is wounded and there is so much bigger reasons for suffering in this world)...

..is driving me over the brink, I have to find something good, I have to allow myself to feel good, happy, even neutral, content (even when I really shouldn't *in order to fight for my rights and participate in solidarity with my fellow colleagues). I am done being tired of misery, I am done feeling like I am sinking, because (putting things in perspective) I am really not. 

I have a good life, a good job, a job where I am safe and a workday that doesn't (well not often at least) drive me into slight madness, it doesn't effect me that much- and most of those few dragging things (put into perspective) are so small that I can easily brush them of when they occur, they do not sink me as the ones in my previous field . And I am grateful for that. Yet, I feel guilty as there are many current wrongs to address- am I allowed to be content (for now) yet fight for something better ? Holding on as you slowly sink (because you accepted and stayed silent) is a real issue in many service fields (care or retail/hospitality). I have a good home, in a safe city, in a safe country, with no corrupt government, I am 10 years free from the mental abuser that I left to save my life, I have my health, my medication (paid with taxes), a solo-trip of a lifetime waiting, fun hobbies that I truly enjoy, a promise to always be fully honest with myself regarding self growth, great friends around the world and a grandma who is battling depression but calls me and sends me cards to let me know that I am on her mind- we have learned so much about each-other in the past few years. I also have a half-finished 1000 piece jigsaw on the floor, a bag och plums that I got for my stomach, and a sleep deprivation that is slowly getting better. 

Oh, and sea-kayaking season is starting soon, once the snow manages to stay away.


Point is, I'm good. 


I`ve also (about 6 months ago) made a conscious decision to only date men as friends, no expectations, no flirting, only real people- just as they are- just as I am. Without attachment or expectations. If they truly like me they will want me as a friend (without them asking/begging/demanding/tricking me into giving more in order to spend time with me that is), and that they are open and honest about their own issues and understand the importance of growth- I am worthy of that. It might not lead to anything more then friendship- and that is okay too- and it needs to be okay for them as well. I want to build my trust in men, I want to know that there are still good and kind men out there, so I will learn not to settle for anything less. 

I feel happy, and safe with myself, having raised this conscious boundary (with the support of my therapist) with the people around me and those I let close (sort of same rules goes for friends and family-members). I am protecting me, respecting me. 

That is the first step towards trusting others. I have the right to choose, and I have the right to walk away. I have the right to express my needs and to have them met (with those that are open to it). I have the right to feel that I am able to breath. I have the right to feel safe and free. No more boys playing or breathing down my neck for me. This time I tell how its going to be. 

Even on the darker days, I am thankful for so many things, they give me a breathing gap in all this madness that easily drags me down. I try my best not to feel guilty (even though I do) for feeling moments of joy or for forgetting the madness and depressive things for a while (taking a break, closing my eyes). I try to remind myself of the fact that anger and sadness over things I can not affect only brings me down- so by mustering the few rays of positivity within me- wherever and whichever reason I get them from- I can give something back to those around me. 

I will not sink, who is with me ?




 



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