Skip to main content

When you nodd along and do your best, but often feel like not yourself


I wanted to write something short about living in another language. This might not hit home for everyone, but if not solidarity (which is the hope behind most of what I write), maybe this might offer some insight for those who have not been there, or for those who only speak one language and never been faced with this kind of adaption.

Do you remember when you were 13 or 14 years old, trying to take part in the adults discussions, or keep track, understand... I mean I know the jokes were not probably of your highest interest, but imagine you wanted to understand? Get the banter, Got the pun? No pun intended.. god I still can not wrap my head around what that means.. Anyway...Imagine....There you are.. at 13 years old.. trying to understand business.. the terms, imagine that your completely new to this world.. and then you are expected to.. and try your best, daily. to juggle the words.

That is what it feels like, most of the time, I know this writing, when there is no hurry or pressure -is much different than when I speak, and it is not like I feel 13, but it does at times, depending on the subject, feel like I can not verbalize myself more than that. I find myself mumbling, stumbling, trying.. trying to fit in, build and place- all these new words in to sentences, sentences that by now are familiar.. but still.. well.. foreign, not mine. I am not me when I speak.. sometimes I find it hard to even understand myself.. trying to explain something I do not quite understand.. in words I can not fully seem to be able to use..There is accent, pronunciation.. I can feel the confusion coming.. see it on peoples faces.. I hunch back, and try again.. because that is what we do. We adapt. It is an endless struggle of trying to fit in my friend.

Now, I know most of us have traveled, and that many of us might know a second language, you know that feeling when you know you are fluent but there is just that slight touch of a language barrier.. just enough for you or that other person to have to re-explain, to leave you feel like your dumbing down the conversation just slightly,....
Well- imagine you lived there, everyday..

I often feel like I am losing a part of myself.. like all of me is not showing.. and no.. I am not sure if I would have all the right big words in these subjects even if I was speaking in one of my mother tongues. I might not have talked about these topics back then... but anyway.. what I would no't give to sound smart once in a while..

The other thing is this, at the same time as I am feeling un-sharpened.. like my brain is on high mode yet on hold, concentrating on just grasping the elements of the conversation, I leave my languages.. me.. my roots behind. I sometimes worry that I forget. I do notice that it takes a few seconds longer to change back, and the words just do not stick with me the same. I think in English about 50% of the time and I misspell both my mother-tongues, or write the letters as is English ( ä, å and ö are left aside). I look down on my phone on the sentence I just wrote.. I get a bit scared (I feel a bit lost). I read books and listen to radio, whenever I miss home. But the worry of these fading puzzle pieces is quite strong, nobody wants to lose the pieces they are from.

When I go out on dates I often slip to think, here they see this foreigner, not verbally "clean", no British or English accent, just sounds slightly.."less than" the others that you meet..

Same goes with work, I often feel off.. like my brain is full of cymbal playing monkeys, like Homer Simpson I am occasionally lost, when your head gets tired you just go on autopilot you know.. I think everyone knows where I am coming from.

But then there are those times, when I try to remind myself of how much more this brings, how many gates I open by doing all of this anyway, even if I do not always know what to say. I still want to believe that I gain more than I loose, and for those who think we sound slightly dumb.. well you should try to walk a few days in our shoes. the expat world is hard enough without focusing on the words that we choose.

So let us applaud ourselves for doing our best,
You are you and that is okey,
 you are brave to climb these hills everyday
- it is not your mother-tongue anyway.

Let us raise a glass to all the accents in this world, that due to many languages, uneven the way. But makes the road much richer and leads us to paths that the majority will never be able to take.





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Short texts on our tilting world

  Calling my bank back home in another European country to pass through SEPA payment for my public transport card here in the new but also safe and functional country where I despite the ever whispering inflation and grey employment market have managed to get some dream career related volunteership. This life is unpaid- but I have my "trustfund" (my own savings I worked for), a set of modern tools for any western situation and free libraries/workspaces for writing and life admin, free hostel leftover food and a keep-cup to sip my morning coffee from as a stroll around the city canals, its artwork and flowers. This life is safe. Be grateful for that. I try to numb myself for sanity and focus on that, as the bombs go off in other lands, as children are crying over the bodies of their loved ones, cradeling themselves with the last two limbs they have left, I try, for my own sanity, to turn off the images, focus on my coffee flavoured ice-cream from the small family busines...
Post a Comment
Read more

My dream way of living; minimal housing, community, flexibility, nature, adventure

For a few years now I have wanted to live in a tiny house on wheels;           a mobile, ecological, minimalist grandmas cottage. Big windows, wooden floors, natural and warm yet bright surfaces,with pops of color (sunflower yellow kitchen cabinets, turquoise tiles or a single tea-pot) and Moroccan and Scottish throws and pillows. A spacious bedroom loft with a window in the ceiling, a small and not too heavy fireplace to keep the house warm during the winter (or just to boil tea and that cozy factor), a tiny wooden sauna room at the back with an inbuilt shower and half of a giant whisky barrel which could serve both as a sauna seat and bath tub. Storage space under the stairs (my goal is to have as little "stuff" as possible), a dinner table that comes up from the floor when needed, a couch/storage by the window. Wheels underneath to get to new exciting locations when needed (for work, other responsibilities or due to climate change), a few wooden fold box...
Post a Comment
Read more

In a year

Do things feel like they are not going anywhere, like you are stomping your feet on the same piece of ground ? Has your heart just been broken ? Are you asking yourself; will I ever get over this.. does this pattern just repeat itself. I feel this way sometimes... stuck... in pain... in an emotional rut.. you name it....sniffling and incapable to see the light, although to be fair.. that light.. even in the darkest of times does, in small glimpses, a little here and there, make it through to reach my receptive self. But seeing the small pieces can sometimes be an exhausting process....in this piece I wanted to concentrate on something else, something bigger. The Magic in a Year. If you think back on last year.. how much has changed, how many bigger or minor heartbreaks have you concurred (and yes.. not still faced..) and how has your view on the world broadened ? How many adventures (some more sudden) has the past year taken you on ? How has your life changed within that year ? ...
Post a Comment
Read more