I wanted to write something short about living in another language. This might not hit home for everyone, but if not solidarity (which is the hope behind most of what I write), maybe this might offer some insight for those who haven't been there, or for those who only speak one language and never been faced with this kind of adaption.
Do you remember when you where 13 or 14 years old, trying to take part in the adults discussions, or keep track, understand... I mean I know the jokes weren't probably of your highest interest, but imagine you wanted to understand? Get the Banter, Got the Pun? Non Pun intended.. god I still can't wrap my head around what that means.. Anyway...Imagine....There you are.. at 13 years old.. trying to understand business.. the terms, imagine that your completely new to this world.. and then you are expected to.. and try your best, daily. to juggle the words.
That's what it feels like, most of the time, I know this writing, when theres no hurry or pressure -is much different than when I speak, and its not like I feel 13 (that would be weird..), but it does feel like I can't verbalise myself more than that. I find myself mumbling, stumbling, trying.. trying to fit in, build and place- all these new words in to sentences, sentences that by now are familiar.. but still.. well.. foreign, not mine. I'm not me when I speak.. sometimes I find it hard to even understand myself.. trying to explain something I don't quite understand.. in words I can not fully seem to be able to use..There's accent, pronunciation.. I can feel the confusion coming.. see it on peoples faces.. I hunch back, and try again.. because thats what we do. We adapt. It's an endless struggle of trying to fit in my friend.
Now, I know most of us have traveled, and that many of us might know a second language, you know that feeling when you know you're fluent but theres just that slight touch of a language barrier.. just enough for you or that other person to have to re-explain, to leave you feel like your dumming the conversation slightly,....
Well- imagine you lived there, everyday..
I often feel like I'm losing a part of myself.. like all of me isn't showing.. and no.. I'm not sure if I would have all the right big words in these sentences even if I was speaking in one of my mother tongues. I might not have talked about these topics back then... but anyway.. what I wouldn't give to sound smart once in a while..
The other thing is this, at the same time as I'm feeling un-sharpened.. like my brain is on high mode yet on hold, concentrating on just grasping the elements of the conversation, I leave my languages.. me.. my roots behind. I sometimes worry that I forget (and dont worry- I haven't), but I do notice that it takes a few seconds longer to change, and the words just don't stick with me the same. I think in English about 50% of the time and I misspell my mother-tongues, or write the letters as is English ( ä, å and ö are left aside). I look down on my phone on the sentence I just wrote.. I get a bit scared (I feel a bit lost). I read books and listen to radio, whenever I miss home. But this worry of these fading puzzle pieces is quite strong, nobody wants to lose the pieces their from.
When I go out on dates I often slip to think, here is this foreigner, not verbally clean, no British or English accent, just sounds slightly...., Thats my thing (take this with a hint of salt please... We are quite extraordinary ;) I wish I could show them another side of me- not this bumbling, trying my best, but still not really me- you see I'm showing you the English version of myself that I could be. But still- you don't see all of me.
But hey our kids would be multilingual- thats a bonus- you have to admit.
Same goes with work, I often feel off.. like my brain is full of cymbal playing monkeys, like Homer Simpson I am occasionally lost, when your head gets tired you just go on autopilot you know.. I think everyone knows where I'm coming from.
But then there are those times, when I try to remind myself of how much more this brings, how many gates I open by doing all of this anyway, even if I don't always know what to say. I still want to believe that I gain more than I lose, and for those who think we sound slightly dumm.. where you should try to walk a few days in our shoes. the adult world is hard enough without the words that we choose.
So let us applaud ourselves for doing our best,
You are you and thats okey, your'e brave to climb these hills everyday
- it's not your mother-tongue anyway.
Let's raise a glass to all the worlds accents, that due to many languages, uneven the way. But makes the road much richer and leads us to paths that the majority wouldn't be able to take.
Do you remember when you where 13 or 14 years old, trying to take part in the adults discussions, or keep track, understand... I mean I know the jokes weren't probably of your highest interest, but imagine you wanted to understand? Get the Banter, Got the Pun? Non Pun intended.. god I still can't wrap my head around what that means.. Anyway...Imagine....There you are.. at 13 years old.. trying to understand business.. the terms, imagine that your completely new to this world.. and then you are expected to.. and try your best, daily. to juggle the words.
That's what it feels like, most of the time, I know this writing, when theres no hurry or pressure -is much different than when I speak, and its not like I feel 13 (that would be weird..), but it does feel like I can't verbalise myself more than that. I find myself mumbling, stumbling, trying.. trying to fit in, build and place- all these new words in to sentences, sentences that by now are familiar.. but still.. well.. foreign, not mine. I'm not me when I speak.. sometimes I find it hard to even understand myself.. trying to explain something I don't quite understand.. in words I can not fully seem to be able to use..There's accent, pronunciation.. I can feel the confusion coming.. see it on peoples faces.. I hunch back, and try again.. because thats what we do. We adapt. It's an endless struggle of trying to fit in my friend.
Now, I know most of us have traveled, and that many of us might know a second language, you know that feeling when you know you're fluent but theres just that slight touch of a language barrier.. just enough for you or that other person to have to re-explain, to leave you feel like your dumming the conversation slightly,....
Well- imagine you lived there, everyday..
I often feel like I'm losing a part of myself.. like all of me isn't showing.. and no.. I'm not sure if I would have all the right big words in these sentences even if I was speaking in one of my mother tongues. I might not have talked about these topics back then... but anyway.. what I wouldn't give to sound smart once in a while..
The other thing is this, at the same time as I'm feeling un-sharpened.. like my brain is on high mode yet on hold, concentrating on just grasping the elements of the conversation, I leave my languages.. me.. my roots behind. I sometimes worry that I forget (and dont worry- I haven't), but I do notice that it takes a few seconds longer to change, and the words just don't stick with me the same. I think in English about 50% of the time and I misspell my mother-tongues, or write the letters as is English ( ä, å and ö are left aside). I look down on my phone on the sentence I just wrote.. I get a bit scared (I feel a bit lost). I read books and listen to radio, whenever I miss home. But this worry of these fading puzzle pieces is quite strong, nobody wants to lose the pieces their from.
When I go out on dates I often slip to think, here is this foreigner, not verbally clean, no British or English accent, just sounds slightly...., Thats my thing (take this with a hint of salt please... We are quite extraordinary ;) I wish I could show them another side of me- not this bumbling, trying my best, but still not really me- you see I'm showing you the English version of myself that I could be. But still- you don't see all of me.
But hey our kids would be multilingual- thats a bonus- you have to admit.
Same goes with work, I often feel off.. like my brain is full of cymbal playing monkeys, like Homer Simpson I am occasionally lost, when your head gets tired you just go on autopilot you know.. I think everyone knows where I'm coming from.
But then there are those times, when I try to remind myself of how much more this brings, how many gates I open by doing all of this anyway, even if I don't always know what to say. I still want to believe that I gain more than I lose, and for those who think we sound slightly dumm.. where you should try to walk a few days in our shoes. the adult world is hard enough without the words that we choose.
So let us applaud ourselves for doing our best,
You are you and thats okey, your'e brave to climb these hills everyday
- it's not your mother-tongue anyway.
Let's raise a glass to all the worlds accents, that due to many languages, uneven the way. But makes the road much richer and leads us to paths that the majority wouldn't be able to take.
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