When you nodd along and do your best, but often feel like not yourself

I wanted to write something short about living in another language. This might not hit home for everyone, but if not solidarity (which is the hope behind most of what I write), maybe this might offer some insight for those who have not been there, or for those who only speak one language and never been faced with this kind of adaption.

Do you remember when you were 13 or 14 years old, trying to take part in the adults discussions, or keep track, understand... I mean I know the jokes were not probably of your highest interest, but imagine you wanted to understand? Get the banter, Got the pun? No pun intended.. god I still can not wrap my head around what that means.. Anyway...Imagine....There you are.. at 13 years old.. trying to understand business.. the terms, imagine that your completely new to this world.. and then you are expected to.. and try your best, daily. to juggle the words.

That is what it feels like, most of the time, I know this writing, when there is no hurry or pressure -is much different than when I speak, and it is not like I feel 13, but it does at times, depending on the subject, feel like I can not verbalize myself more than that. I find myself mumbling, stumbling, trying.. trying to fit in, build and place- all these new words in to sentences, sentences that by now are familiar.. but still.. well.. foreign, not mine. I am not me when I speak.. sometimes I find it hard to even understand myself.. trying to explain something I do not quite understand.. in words I can not fully seem to be able to use..There is accent, pronunciation.. I can feel the confusion coming.. see it on peoples faces.. I hunch back, and try again.. because that is what we do. We adapt. It is an endless struggle of trying to fit in my friend.

Now, I know most of us have traveled, and that many of us might know a second language, you know that feeling when you know you are fluent but there is just that slight touch of a language barrier.. just enough for you or that other person to have to re-explain, to leave you feel like your dumbing down the conversation just slightly,....
Well- imagine you lived there, everyday..

I often feel like I am losing a part of myself.. like all of me is not showing.. and no.. I am not sure if I would have all the right big words in these subjects even if I was speaking in one of my mother tongues. I might not have talked about these topics back then... but anyway.. what I would no't give to sound smart once in a while..

The other thing is this, at the same time as I am feeling un-sharpened.. like my brain is on high mode yet on hold, concentrating on just grasping the elements of the conversation, I leave my languages.. me.. my roots behind. I sometimes worry that I forget. I do notice that it takes a few seconds longer to change back, and the words just do not stick with me the same. I think in English about 50% of the time and I misspell both my mother-tongues, or write the letters as is English ( ä, å and ö are left aside). I look down on my phone on the sentence I just wrote.. I get a bit scared (I feel a bit lost). I read books and listen to radio, whenever I miss home. But the worry of these fading puzzle pieces is quite strong, nobody wants to lose the pieces they are from.

When I go out on dates I often slip to think, here they see this foreigner, not verbally "clean", no British or English accent, just sounds slightly.."less than" the others that you meet..

Same goes with work, I often feel off.. like my brain is full of cymbal playing monkeys, like Homer Simpson I am occasionally lost, when your head gets tired you just go on autopilot you know.. I think everyone knows where I am coming from.

But then there are those times, when I try to remind myself of how much more this brings, how many gates I open by doing all of this anyway, even if I do not always know what to say. I still want to believe that I gain more than I loose, and for those who think we sound slightly dumb.. well you should try to walk a few days in our shoes. the expat world is hard enough without focusing on the words that we choose.

So let us applaud ourselves for doing our best,
You are you and that is okey,

 you are brave to climb these hills everyday
- it is not your mother-tongue anyway.

Let us raise a glass to all the accents in this world, that due to many languages, uneven the way. But makes the road much richer and leads us to paths that the majority will never be able to take.