Downs and Ups

Ever felt like you try so hard to manage all of it and almost end up crashing ?

I had a tough week

But do not worry, like always there is a sun and clarity behind every cloud (my cloud being tiredness) 

While still having a slight cold on Wednesday (after a lovely friendly all day outdoor date on Sunday) I was contacted by the head office for the youth organisation I worked for last summer regarding whether I would be interested in doing an ad hoc week at a day camp supporting a young blind girl in a wheelchair, a caring and inspirational girl if I may add. I had taken the next weeks off from the day support center for holiday and possible camp work. I knew that my evening pub work was going to make it tough, but they managed to talk me around and I agreed to start at the camp the next day.

I had an interesting first day with much to catch up on in a short period of time. After 1 h 30 min travel and 9 hours of work I was back on the Underground mastering my mind and energy to pour some pints. I finished the shift sometime after 1 am and was in bed after 2. Then it was up again around 7 am (you know those re-settings of the alarm) before leaving for work again. Tired and not clear in my head I texted the one I am holding off from....to explain something unnecessary, tried to be all cool.. failed at that.. strike one.

During the day the team of youths (which my young was a part of ) got to work on their community project for the camp- to raise awareness about a new sensory garden for those with dementia, which they are also going to help refurbish later this week. We even visited the Hilton Hotel so that they could practice their public speaking skills in-front of professionals. Pushing a wheelchair through London suburbs does make you realize how such an given thing as the statement just "out the door"still is not made accessible for us all.

At the end of the day it was once again time to head from the other side of London back to the pub for a closing shift.

I was tired.. and my tired head got stuck on the thought of that I was failing. I had been 10 minutes late for the morning briefing with staff at the camp.  I was 5 minutes late to the pub. a bit dizzy, smelling like sweat and had coffee stains on my shirt. Lunch of the day had been a quick tuna sandwich. As the hours went by my exhausted head started to catch up with me, I was holding back the tears. I went through lows and highs in my head, pumped myself with an inner pep talk, only to feel it all crashing down a few minutes later. The regular local pugg licked my face as I dropped the mayo tubes on the floor. A lady at the bar, who ordered a glass of white and an Aperol Spritzer asked why I looked so tired, if I am okey ? I said yes and thanked her for asking as I explained my situation briefly. She told me she knows how though juggling many things like this can be. I smiled, she smiled. I think we got around 2 pounds tip each that night.

As it was time for my break I had my evening snack, after which I sat down on the stairs between the kitchen and the backroom. I could feel the tears falling down.

So many thoughts hit me all at once; 

How I so often seemed to be seen as a piece of meat by guys, is that what I am ? How doubt in dating always seemed to prove itself; got asked out by a funny young policeman, as promising as it seemed the date never happened, he played ghost and then he vanished when I asked him upfront. Felt like this hope in encounters with millennial men out there was partly lost. I thought about how the unnecessary message my tired head had sent, had caused it to backfire once again. My pact of months of leaving him be, had been broken just a few weeks in. Then there were all the other things, not related to friendships or men; not being good enough, constant delays, A feeling of guilt for not being all there for the young girl who needed it the most. Failing in supporting my co-support worker who also was tired and lost. It is hard when you feel like your failing at something that hits you deep. Where is your empathy and was it there to begin with ? I felt guilty for having the energy to fell tears for this at all, there are so many people who have more struggles after all.

The overwhelming tiredness was causing me to spin. 

I am usually very good at breaking down these problems, helping myself see how small they really are. Or how I tend to mentally rise above them, climb over all the worries and hurt. 

The thing is, (right now, when I can think clearly again) if a man comes back after you only for a physical favor- it is not you- it is them. Or as my Aussie friend put it; what is he on his high horse for ? The situation with the police guy would have happened sooner or later, so better sooner and shake it off, no more energy on confusion. And about the unnecessary message sent that morning.. it is not like he answered before anyway, so what difference does this really make? I also have a feeling that despite his following of my stories on the app, even a simple `Hey` would have shaken him away. At least this is somewhat of a more clear message on what he wanted to say. About the work I am doing my best, and I do know that I care and try hard so I should just give these diminishing thoughts a rest. 

But I was tired.. I felt like a wreck. I texted my parents back home, all they could do was to ask what was wrong. 

My co-worker saw me, she gave me a hug, a girl to girl pep talk and I was up. And so the evening went on, some downs and some ups.

An hour later a tear fell down my face, I sucked up my spirit but my Irish coworker saw me, put his hand om my shoulder and asked me if I was okey, he made me a coffee and gave me advice since he has also had times when hes felt this way. I piece of German sweet bread was passed over to me yet by another friend, was not really my thing, but the gesture warmed my heart once again. The next day after the same drill the same sweet colleague of mine was having a rough day, I stopped her, gave her a hug and told her it is okey.

As the night went on my voice disappeared I sounded like a squeeking mouse trying to give a tour on all the beer. As the last hour was on we talked about South Park while clearing for close, we laughed about an episode with everything leading to danish trolls. My voice turned from bad to worse, my co-workers took over the rest and I was sent home to my bed.

The next day was mostly spent indoors, I made a cheer up breakfast with yesterdays burger, an avocado and an egg (of course).

The next morning as the day off was over I headed back to camp, my voice was worse than the day before and my temperature was going from high to low. No fever, but felt quite soar.

This day however was all about Ups, teamwork on a 5 mile walk with tasks involving compliments to strangers, spreading love with balloons, cleaning the park, there certainly was a lot of love and spark. I was proud of our girl who despite tiredness stayed alert for so long. No one is ever left alone, no matter what their condition is they get to come along. An ice cream later we headed back. As our positive young lady left for her cab she told me about a pepper infused lemon tea I should have 

- so that I soon feel better than okey. 

It is a long time since I got so many hugs in a day. 

I guess my point is..sometimes you end up having those days, where everything seems to fall on its face. There are things you could say to make the feeling less worse, but to notice happiness and kindness in your surroundings could also be the thing that breaks the curse (And a good nights sleep).

And lets try to remember....

Lots of caring hugs , Always <3