Roar in the Afterglow

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with them, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety. My now former partners un-dealt struggles dug up my buried anxiety and trauma infused fears, panic hit within me. Mental health struggles do not only hurt you, they also suffocate the loved ones around you. I wanted to take responsibility. Life is too short and humans around us are too loved and important not to...

This past year has been a hellride as we both fought our anxieties. You wanted answers for us and I wanted you to stay back home where I sent you in September; find work, a path, structure, stability- I wanted it so bad that I caused you more anxiety, to which you wanted to fly back here and hold me immediately as that would extinguish the pain and the truth- at least momentarily. You realized that that was wrong, you would not be able to stay for long, ADD and Anxiety was knocking on your door. Many ups and downs, your moods, and tears of mine saying "listen and fix it this time". Later you wished for me to come to you- but I knew that it would not be the answer, tell you the truth it scared me. I would feel lonely as a person can be. You need to learn to live with yourself and no one can tell you how that should be (loved ones can advice you but you are your own key) - you will find your own way (in your own time), eventually. And so I changed the name on our former door, ...