Roar in the Afterglow

There are so many beautiful, funny and smart girls out there, why would he choose me ? We all ladies know that feeling, when we are at a party, a workout class at the gym or just walk down the street. We always see that prettier, more fit girl who seems to have it all under control or that smarter girl who has a presence that you feel that you could only dream of having. You should read my thoughts sometimes when I am sitting at that yoga class, clumsy and inflexible as something out of a bad cartoon, looking at those perfect girls with there perfect tanned skin and long blond hair.. And another example,  a while back, I saw that guys profile picture and there was this girl who had posted like a gazillion hearts (okey fine maybe not a gazillion.. ) and other comments there.. Well she was pretty.. and seemed perfect, and in that moment I thought, well no matter what he said about me, about him liking me.. I do not think I stand a chance.. During the past year I have had this ...

I felt like I had lost everything I was, and every good part that I once had in my life. If I still had some of them, I had lost touch to them. I was lost. How should I start to find my way again ? Who was I ? What did I want in my life ? I did something.. I wrote a list, a list of big and smaller things, the tiniest things to remember, I guess we could call them "feel-good and finding your way to your own life things ".  I wrote it at my parents summer place, just a week after I left him. The list included everything from examples of new hobbies, friends to reconnect and get in touch with, new methods to positive thinking  and those small moments that you need to remember to take for yourself. Here is an example of what it looked like: - Become a member of your Student Nation/ Organisation - Redecorate your apartment (get rid of old bed, refurnish, make it yours) - Ask how N is doing, visit her back home ? - Remember to be your own best friend - Catch up with J,...

Love, Closeness... It is a very private subject.. and we rarely talk about it (at least this openly) But I wanted to, it is important, at least to me. As much as this is the important one.. it`s also the most difficult one.. luckily I just had a glass of wine with my friend, I thought about If I should write this down now or another time, but since it is such an emotional subject I decided to give it a go right now, maybe that one glass of wine just might make me more relaxed.. So...   For me it is a glance and the smile on your face  the touch of your hands, And an honest embrace For where I lay it is you I keep, This changing world I fall asleep Those are some of the words in Vanessa Carltons song Home , that song means a lot to me, and I am listening to it as I write this down. Simply said every single part of this song makes me feel safe and it is that feeling that I hope to have and share with that right someone there somewhere in the future. Choose someo...

Today I got to be a part of showing kids at an elementary school how to throw a lifeline when you are trying to save someone at sea. Later it triggered the thought about saving someones life, and how even the smallest of gestures can make the biggest of difference. The day before that moment that changed my life for the better, I had met a few fellow camp leaders in a park. We stayed and talked and when it was time to leave we had to clime over a small fence, the two guys that were walking towards the same direction from the park asked me if I needed any help in getting over that fence. [ And they did not  know about my relationship or that just about a week before I had fallen through my family friends old dock right in front of my boyfriend so badly that the bruises on my thigh would still show months later, he had helped me with icebags as my mom told him too but right after that he sat at the only chair on the cliff playing games on his mobile phone while I got to s...

  So why do we stay with a partner like this? I asked myself that question several times. Here you have some answers:  In the beginning of the relationship, or even before you started dating there were good things, things you had been waiting for for so long, things you felt that you needed. Also, in my case I really did not know him at all before we started dating. I remember when we met, we worked at the same grocery market for the summer, we were out on an Island, and he was far from his normal surroundings. We rode of with our bikes together and ones we stopped near a mountain and climbed up to see the view, we sat down on an old tree and he told me that I had ants in my shoe and that he should try to get them of, which I found to be the cutest any guy had ever said to me. For years I tried to make him remember that moment, but according to him that never happened, which was sad, its moments like these that I value the most, the small things. That summer we...

The Autumn is soon here, and so are all the party's. I can not wait to see everyone again! The parties involve a lot of fun, games and drinking. But before we start the fun again, I want to write down something about drinking problems and how they affect the ones closest to us. And No  I do not mean to be a party pooper .. Can not say that I have not been dancing on the table a time or two.. But think before you drink, think about how it makes you behave and how that behavior makes the people around you feel. And If you have a problem, Do you listen to what they have to say ? Do you listen to their worries ? Please Do. He kicked the walls and screamed that day when I had asked him to be there for me, He came home drunk. He ran after other girls in front of me and told me to be understanding. I spent my 18th birthday carrying him to his and his mothers apartment and then getting locked out in the stairwell for hours and almost ended up spending the night next door on their alcoho...

If I Just. .Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.  All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.   There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our fu...

Before starting this blog I thought a long time about how much I should tell about my past and the things that drove me in to writing a blog like this. I decided that it would be important to tell some things, so that the possible readers would better understand where I am coming from. But I had one simple rule; besides writing about the things I went through, I would always make sure to write what I learned from these experiences. During those four years there where a lot of thing I wish that I had never experienced. Until this day there are a lot of things that I do not mention, and I surely did not tell about them to anyone else then, not even to my closest friends. Those things where everyday life to me, something I got used to, shoved into " that geeky box of his" or told myself that the they were immature thing "some guys say",  felt sickness for even though I could not make the connection and blamed myself and other things around me.  I will write down so...

Whenever I feel a bit down or alone,  Or well actually at any time really. I think about the things that I am thankful for. Things that, at least for some part, break that suffocating anxious feeling or bring a warm hopeful happy feeling to my heart whenever, wherever. I am glad that I started to live my life again. I glad that I decided to go back- packing to the South East of Asia for the first time in my life last summer. The journey from Bangkok down to Singapore, with all the  big and smaller city's, island and the mossy highlands of Malaysia, was amazing, but just the fact that I got on that plane or even gave a taught to the idea of going an a journey like this, is what makes me smile the most. I allowed myself to make my dream come through. Soon I am planning on heading out again. I am glad that I got accepted to the University, So that I would have a little bit more time to think about what I want to do, since I already graduated as a social caregiver. I am also g...