I struggled to figure out what to name this post.. The one who waits for something good never waits too long ? Selfless act ? .. But you will gain something in the end ? An act of love for us both ?
The thing is he had to fly back home to take care of himself, care I could not provide him with here, damn visa. But it was not just that- I mean he could have gotten some help here- in some way- but he needed more than that. He needed his family, home grounds, familiar things. So on a short notice, after a "hit rock bottom" week he flew. It has been 2 months now.
His weather back there has -during this skype connection time- changed from golden leaves and apples to snow, it´s a pretty consistent grey November over here and work keeps me busy as a bee, I am saving up for a future that is still (not yet) to be seen. But I am building the bricks for our future, and mine, busy as a bee can be.
I knew it was for the best, him being there- and not having him here, he is building for our future with taking good care. But sometimes I wonder, will he forget about me ? I am not around, and never been there where he is, I am not there in the apple trees, the city or language, not a part of all those now upcoming memories. I was not there, back home where you came from, once upon a time, just over a year ago, you did not know of me, in August we made a home here- but then you had to leave, I am writing this from our bed as we speak.
All your things are here; your guitars, notebooks, thesis, french books and jay peak baseball caps, all you left with was your day-trip knapsack. You did promise to come back. But you need to get better, that's a fact.
So all we can do is trust, wait and see, building on this from two directions, both to reach stability. And sometimes I think, Is it selfish that it feels so good on the days I do not cry, because there are days I miss you, and the life we put aside- but then I remember how nice it is to have a life and place to my own for a while, no need to plan it around your energy and reason to smile. I needed this- alone time.
I feel guilty for being happy, and then again guilty when I cry- after all its not my head that has been hurting through all this time.
And while beeing away you are doing something good- for our future like we should.
I will navigate through these feelings of mine,
And it will get better- and onwards we try.
The thing is he had to fly back home to take care of himself, care I could not provide him with here, damn visa. But it was not just that- I mean he could have gotten some help here- in some way- but he needed more than that. He needed his family, home grounds, familiar things. So on a short notice, after a "hit rock bottom" week he flew. It has been 2 months now.
His weather back there has -during this skype connection time- changed from golden leaves and apples to snow, it´s a pretty consistent grey November over here and work keeps me busy as a bee, I am saving up for a future that is still (not yet) to be seen. But I am building the bricks for our future, and mine, busy as a bee can be.
I knew it was for the best, him being there- and not having him here, he is building for our future with taking good care. But sometimes I wonder, will he forget about me ? I am not around, and never been there where he is, I am not there in the apple trees, the city or language, not a part of all those now upcoming memories. I was not there, back home where you came from, once upon a time, just over a year ago, you did not know of me, in August we made a home here- but then you had to leave, I am writing this from our bed as we speak.
All your things are here; your guitars, notebooks, thesis, french books and jay peak baseball caps, all you left with was your day-trip knapsack. You did promise to come back. But you need to get better, that's a fact.
So all we can do is trust, wait and see, building on this from two directions, both to reach stability. And sometimes I think, Is it selfish that it feels so good on the days I do not cry, because there are days I miss you, and the life we put aside- but then I remember how nice it is to have a life and place to my own for a while, no need to plan it around your energy and reason to smile. I needed this- alone time.
I feel guilty for being happy, and then again guilty when I cry- after all its not my head that has been hurting through all this time.
And while beeing away you are doing something good- for our future like we should.
I will navigate through these feelings of mine,
And it will get better- and onwards we try.
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