Had life in your late -30s been like this ? Even before and without a global pandemic ? Perhaps it had, only now it is magnified, and drawn out..loneliness, livingaloneliness, ..gettingthatlastyearbeforethirtiness, ...onlypineconeinthecityness, ...boyfriendsstuckacrosstheatlanticness, ...childlessness.., leftbehindinlifeness..., ...fillingyourneedforbackpackbeforechildrenness..., cancelledhobbyness, ...bikingfromworktokeepactiveness, bakinga4thpiewhilewatingness..., sexlessness., ..........workingasmanyshiftsasyoucantopassthetimeeveniftherebarelyisanyness, (Ok I Am done now..)
Waiting for stuff to happen (for what exactly I still do not know) when nothing can be planned and most activities are or will be cancelled anyway- and you have no-one to take that deep breath with and enjoy a nice chilled Aperol spritz with in the garden or on the balcony, it is a mellow time to pass. It all gets kind of into slow motion, sleepy, like soon it will be November, but the days are moving slower than ever.
I walk to the grocery shop to get more food for 1 and rhubarb pie ingredients (for a 3rd or 4th time). I look around at the terraces on the sidewalk, it is noisy, messy, and A bum is pissing on his feet, one yells and calls me a whor..a really nice lady.. for not giving him money to buy more beer, seagulls, teenagers, redbull cans, rain.. and..swoosh the door behind be closes, I'm back indoors.. again.
Why did I move back to this "cool hipster part of town", I hear myself questioning ever so often now.
My friends are everywhere on this globe, in England, across the Atlantic, but also here at home.. but most are now far outside town with children of their own, with gardens in that other life zone. Others work in care, so nightshift (morning and evening) drowsiness is always there. To find time and place for a casual Wednesday or Saturday Aperol spritzer and chatter is not as easy as it once upon a time used to be. It is not just covid19- life changes and so (at least a little) do we.
Their babies are cute though, but just yet that life is not for me.
But do not worry, there are things you as a slightly sad almost thirty year old childless long-distance widow in the city (to be read with slight self-irony) can do to fill any feeling of void or to catch any time slipping through your fingers.
Yes, according to urban legends and rules you as a woman are on the last year of mesmarizing hoorays, doing (almost) whatever you want with your days. But remember that creating a family is optional and age is not your arch nemesis, My friends who have passed the gates of 30 says it grows on you.. becoming older is just more wisdom and luster.
Either way, I will not stay indoors in my city studio every single day (only baking pie when it is raining, for the past 2 weeks, okay ?) I take kayak classes, sleep on islands in a tent, where my backpack and see my surroundings time an time again. I bike for miles a day (even sometimes at mitts the rain). I take part in local get-togethers, yoga, improv and urban garden cafes.
But an Aperol Spritzer with some chatter, that would be nice,'
for old times sake.
Other than that, I am doing okay.
Just simply taking this day by day.
To add something more I am thankful for the safety, both me and my partner have jobs now (one temp across the ocean and one part-timer here where I am standing). I got to keep my job at the bookshop- despite cuts due to the pandemic. Organizing the shelves and giving multilingual advice on what newcomers to read, it suddenly hit me how thankful I am- this job was my dream.
I have no children or teenagers to worry about and have energy left to help others if needed. I also get to work whenever I can as qualified in care, a field on a human level that will never disappear.
I have a home, a nice cozy flat, the sea is near and I bought a "new" hat. The hat was less important, but it fitted right in.
Anyway, I hope you're well, hold on.. you will get through this situation we're in.
Waiting for stuff to happen (for what exactly I still do not know) when nothing can be planned and most activities are or will be cancelled anyway- and you have no-one to take that deep breath with and enjoy a nice chilled Aperol spritz with in the garden or on the balcony, it is a mellow time to pass. It all gets kind of into slow motion, sleepy, like soon it will be November, but the days are moving slower than ever.
I walk to the grocery shop to get more food for 1 and rhubarb pie ingredients (for a 3rd or 4th time). I look around at the terraces on the sidewalk, it is noisy, messy, and A bum is pissing on his feet, one yells and calls me a whor..a really nice lady.. for not giving him money to buy more beer, seagulls, teenagers, redbull cans, rain.. and..swoosh the door behind be closes, I'm back indoors.. again.
Why did I move back to this "cool hipster part of town", I hear myself questioning ever so often now.
My friends are everywhere on this globe, in England, across the Atlantic, but also here at home.. but most are now far outside town with children of their own, with gardens in that other life zone. Others work in care, so nightshift (morning and evening) drowsiness is always there. To find time and place for a casual Wednesday or Saturday Aperol spritzer and chatter is not as easy as it once upon a time used to be. It is not just covid19- life changes and so (at least a little) do we.
Their babies are cute though, but just yet that life is not for me.
But do not worry, there are things you as a slightly sad almost thirty year old childless long-distance widow in the city (to be read with slight self-irony) can do to fill any feeling of void or to catch any time slipping through your fingers.
Yes, according to urban legends and rules you as a woman are on the last year of mesmarizing hoorays, doing (almost) whatever you want with your days. But remember that creating a family is optional and age is not your arch nemesis, My friends who have passed the gates of 30 says it grows on you.. becoming older is just more wisdom and luster.
Either way, I will not stay indoors in my city studio every single day (only baking pie when it is raining, for the past 2 weeks, okay ?) I take kayak classes, sleep on islands in a tent, where my backpack and see my surroundings time an time again. I bike for miles a day (even sometimes at mitts the rain). I take part in local get-togethers, yoga, improv and urban garden cafes.
But an Aperol Spritzer with some chatter, that would be nice,'
for old times sake.
Other than that, I am doing okay.
Just simply taking this day by day.
To add something more I am thankful for the safety, both me and my partner have jobs now (one temp across the ocean and one part-timer here where I am standing). I got to keep my job at the bookshop- despite cuts due to the pandemic. Organizing the shelves and giving multilingual advice on what newcomers to read, it suddenly hit me how thankful I am- this job was my dream.
I have no children or teenagers to worry about and have energy left to help others if needed. I also get to work whenever I can as qualified in care, a field on a human level that will never disappear.
I have a home, a nice cozy flat, the sea is near and I bought a "new" hat. The hat was less important, but it fitted right in.
Anyway, I hope you're well, hold on.. you will get through this situation we're in.
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