Roar in the Afterglow

I felt a lot of shame for the things I had gone through, what he had pushed me in to, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Who could I trust, or did I just trust anyone who knocked on my door ? Did I know what to look out for or was I just dragging more of them to me?  Was I going crazy ? Would anyone understand ? I knew the school psychologist did, but what about everyone else, what about the outside world ? My friends? Where had I been, who was I ? How to get my life back and what was that ? Could I find any understanding for this battle I was going through ? I felt alone, very alone, even though I had friends around me. I want to share these experiences because I want to be a part of breaking the silence, tell about that what actually many people face everyday. By writing about it in the way that I do, what I faced, how it effected me and how I everyday work hard with myself to become stronger I also want to help to take away that feeling of shame. Because w...

Why are subjects like mental health and therapy such a big Taboo ? I read an article in the University Paper about struggling with mental health and being afraid to talk about it to your friends, what if someone found out, how would they look at me then ? I believe that many of us struggle with something mental, or have or will at some point in our life. We all go through things in  life and we all have a mentality, we are all human and humans are fragile. And what about the modern society, what its doing to us; daily pressure to give out a certain look of a happy perfect life and yet when we have that moment we want to share, we forget to live in it, to actually be with them. And what about the stress ? I think we can all agree that every single one of us can easily fall apart. So why could not we just talk about it more openly ? Think about it, we say that true beauty comes from the inside, we all (well almost all of us) work on the outside to look good and sometimes some o...

Fear during and then anger, and sometimes fear again. But as everyone else, he is also just a fragile human. I wrote about broken pasts and how that helps me understand his behavior, that it helps me let go of anger, because there is not much he can do about it, but that I also will never accept it, since no matter how ill, he might be... he never had the right to treat me that way. Yes, he had a very broken home, and no stability, but he also chose to not deal with his past or with the problems in his own behavior. He was too sick for that, his unrealistic ego stood in the way. And during the years, as I told in the earlier posts, I got to see his reaction when he was confronted by his own mistakes, when I again had to tell him what he had done and beg him to change. He could not take it, blamed me for blaming and confronting him, for bringing up the past (and the past could have been yesterday and most likely would be the next..) Why did I have to be so mean, why could I just not f...

Thank You for dragging me down, because now the only way is up. Thank You for humiliating me, because I have learned to see my own beauty Thank You for showing me, because now I know what kind of future I want to have Thank You for almost taking away my breath, because now I breathe more then ever Thank You for pushing me into fear, because now I know that I am brave Thank You for making me feel hopeless, because all I seem to feel is light Thank You for making me break the silence, for now I know my own Strength. 

To someone in a panic: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we can`t, we are stuck. We are torn. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it. If the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, do not push them back, remember, you are here for You and so are your tears.  Also, Do not close up, do not leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you can`t , like you shouldn't. You might think that you do not want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they would not understand. But no matter what is on your mind, you should, You are not obligated...

You know that feeling when there is so much noise, and it is so crowded and it makes you feel tired, out of air and that it is all just too much ? I feel that way sometimes, and as I came home today I could feel the tension within me and the tears started to flow. I had just come from the supermarket, taken a jogging trip around the whole city and walked through the parks and before that helped a friend move into her new apartment. There is life, and everything is fine, I am fine and nothing feels hopeless anymore. So why the tears ? Sometimes you just feel that way, and you need time to just breathe. We need to let ourselves cry, and there should be no shame. Where all just human, it is good to remember, that is what my dad once told me, and it is true. It is such a simple message and yet it can be used to understand so many things. In addition to this anxiety of mine, he knows about my trust issues and he wanted to remind me of that we all make mistakes. Just because someon...

It is always good to write, especially to write down your feelings, to get clarity. The University School psychologist thought me a few years ago to write a positivity journal. The idea was to remind myself of the good that is going on in my life, around me, in me. It helped a lot, to see the positive in the things that have happened, what I have learned and how it made me stronger and what good I can see in this particular day. Slowly it helped to change my way of thinking. So now I do not have to write down a list or a journal everyday. It is in the way that I feel. And first I thought that it was all about writing down all the things I learned, the fun things that are happening right now and what I should look forward too. But with time I realized that its much more than that, For myself I adapted that positive writing to use whenever I start to feel anxious. Important here to know about anxiety, if you did not already, is that it comes in waves (at least mine does) you do not ...

Do not force yourself into situations or to stay in them to please others, think about whats best for you, where do you feel comfortable? find your own path, let yourself breathe.

I wanted to write down a list of facts that I find important to say, but that I either do not want to make entire post of due to their darkness. Even though some things might be difficult to reflect on, I have found that it is important to be aware of them all. Only that way can you truly start growing towards something better, get closer to becoming whole.    He (2008-2012) never hit me, I want you to know that. Am I angry ?  I used to be, and it really got to me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it (some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could recall). I wanted to deal with my past, in some way heal my wounds by being there for me again, and by learning from it, try to ensure that it would never happen again. As I now, years later, read through my writings ...

I went out hiking this weekend Sometimes when you get out in the nature you remember to think clearly, you stop for a second and get closer to yourself than ever. Watching over the quiet lake reminded me of how thankful I am of my own vulnerability as well as my strength and the fact that I am still standing. I am thankful for no longer being there, in that down-dragging mess that could have been my future, I am thankful that I am here, right here and still breathing, but without the feeling of hopelessness in my chest. As night came, we; that is us scout leaders and some of the kids, did something that I secretly always dream of, we searched out a clearing from the trees where we then laid on our backs to watch over the clearest starry sky. Again I was reminded of how thankful I am to just breathe, even though it some days almost breaks me in to pieces that your not here yet..I started thinking of where you are.. I am thankful for the time that I have to get back in touch wi...