Roar in the Afterglow

After a long work day followed by a ramble through all the bustle and Christmas lights, with thoughts of why he is so silent, why he does not reply, do I always end up being the girl who is left behind... With these feelings in my chest, ghosts of the past and all the other challenging yet to come quests, I turn on the radio and soon I can feel how my little body starts moving to what I hear. With my washed Slash resembling hair and mismatched pajama, I find my self dancing to some Samba. Life is pretty great you know, Your own validation is the only one you need, so get up and never stop dancing from your heart to this beat.

I have been thinking for a while about the kind of moments in life I wish we would happily share. You know the best things in life are not big fireworks, they are those small things in your day to day life. One late night at the hostel I helped a Canadian girl get through knots in her hair. She did not want cut her hair so close to her wedding and sooner then later many more wanted to be there to help out. It somehow reminded me of sauna nights in my childhood. Two nights ago a Chinese guy we call Derek was making root boiled tea, we sat in the kitchen, talked how we could feel the stress let itself free. We share food from cultures, (red fish from Senegal or blueberry Tesco muffins), laugh to the crazy fire alarm or the dirtiness of the bathroom floor. I wish we could all experience this, a community of strangers from across to globe, at least once in our lives.  And no this is not me saying let us (you and I) live in a hostel, believe me I'm covering so much with roses, ev...

"Wonder what he is doing? Should I text him.... ? No,  not now, I should let him be, give him space, he will just find it annoying...but maybe... agghh, if I still think in a few hours that I should, then I can, .. What would N or A do ? Dear mighty why am I so weird about these things... Okey If I just... Oh god, No I said something Stupid right ?.. great...and no reply... that is it then. wonder what he will think of me now.. Oh dear.." Yeah, the obsessive circle, we think about them, we worry that we are forgettable (well I used to), that if we somehow do not keep in touch we get forgotten, and the worst; our obsession thinking about what we said, what he said, what we said and might have been understood the wrong way, scared that we scare them away be writing one too many, wanting to "Fix Things" by explaining them and then worry about the fact that we were over-explaining. Oh.. and  not forget about that blue mark on your Whatsapp conversation..saying that ...

Hello again, it has been a while. The reason I haven't been writing for so long is that I've been writing work applications about 100. I have also been back home, felt happy and then again quite hopeless, not sure on where I wanted to be, but I knew it was not staying in that spot again. I needed a move on of some kind a fresh chapter. I hoped to find work within my own field, within something that would get me one step closer but turns out it was even harder then I thought. I asked that question "please just let something happen"... and sure enough the next day I am booking flight tickets, and now I am in London. Oh what an week it has been.. Sometimes the things you seek out for turn out to be something that just does not feel right, you have to listen to that voice, work hard and try all you can to reach your goals, but accept that sometimes things can not roll in the speed you want them too. A different turn for a while might be just what you need. To prevent ...

I have always known that I am a bit weird.  I think out loud, make up songs of things in my surrounding, sometimes even without noticing it. I mean who does not like a good tune about tooth brushes ? I laugh a lot, sometimes in inappropriate situations and I can get so mesmerized by a guys existence next to me- that I as I listen to what he's telling walk in to a lamppost. (yes that did happen in those awkward teens.. ) I apologize even to objects when I pump into them and you should hear my polite phrases gone wrong when I am tired and want to wish the cashier a good day (but politeness is important, it helps them get through their day !). Even still as an adult I have my special little places that I used to have as child, and I pick up rocks whenever I feel happy or safe and keep them in my pockets so that I could hold them when ever I would not feel this way. I used to see this weirdness as something I should hide, some of it is embarrassing right ? But now I wear ...

I kind of wanted to write this down, you know when you travel and notice things around. When his eyes hit yours and the next minute he is gone, did you miss something important, was the connection that strong ? It is nice to get that look sometimes, and then you look back, and they look at you twice. They are a handsome stranger, and you might stop to think, maybe that was that moment, should I have said something? And maybe you could have, and maybe you did, maybe they asked you what you are reading. But he got on that bus, and then he was gone, you might feel a bit hopeless, did you manage to lose something ones more ? But as you go on you remember the time that you need,  And getting these looks, it grows confidence, don`t you think ? So for now enjoy the looks that you get, believe in your worth, look around you, have you noticed them jet ? You`re beautifully extraordinary, don`t you ever forget

With the smelly bag on my back I was almost homeless yesterday, I came from the camp where I worked and will continue on Monday, I had not booked a hostel and didn't know where would stay, I took a shot and headed towards Earls Court to first find a Cafe. With the same clothes I slept in inside a cold tent, 3 warm blouses and pants with mud, I felt so out of place for London Central, I decided to avoid South Kensington, would probably have given a posh lady a heart attack. Luckily for me just around the corner I found A place, and now I`m staying here at Earls Court for another 3 days. The not having a home to go to, being a bit lost and out of place, made me feel quite lonely, and I miss home even more these days. It made me think of the homeless, that we all deserve a warm bed, to be on foot is tiring, a home base makes you feel safe. But for me this is just another adventure, compared to them this is a choice, and soon I will be home again. But back to back...

Travel alone, it does not have to be far, but by throwing yourself in there you always immerse in something new, You rely on You and grow through each turn you decide to take. You meet new people and through that shyness a braver you breaks. This journey makes me stronger for me, for her who needed someone and for you who I`m yet to meet.  So until then, let us grow,  and then tell me all the stories,  there is so much I want you to know

Sometimes sweet words can make you forget, they can blind you from your course, I thought that after deciding to be determined I would be my own boss. But as it turns out, sometimes your heart eventually chooses to listen and at some point even fall. I guess they where words I for so long wanted to hear, but they came too soon, too fast, too rapid, and I no longer saw clear. But words like that need time to truly catch a meaning. And as I stepped aside, shook off the words, and looked at it all from distance, I remembered my promise, hugged my inner lovebird and set back the course towards that direction that again, for a while, will never be forgotten. To every occasionally lost lovebird <3

I am sitting at a cafe in a small town as the end of this trip I made in a country where I have never been  before. I turned 25 this weekend and it has lead me to think about getting older, I mean I am halfway to fifty and one quarter of my way to a 100 has now passed by (thanks grandma for pointing that out in the card..) but in a way that is a relief. I mean life has only started. But even though there is so much time ahead you start to think of the big ones, when does it all come together, when do you find them ? I mean 30 the ”you should have it all figured out” age is getting closer, And for a long time I thought that its the age of 27 that I will get married (do not ask why, it was just a number that sounded good to my ear..) but here I am, 2 years until that and I am sitting alone, went to sleep alone at my hostel, with this only roommate of mine, an older man in his 60`s snoring more loudly than all the 7 dwarfs combined. Well, it is not all that bad, no really, I had ...

I wanted to write this for all that anxiety that sometimes builds up inside, for those moments you start to feel the heaviness of that lump.  Sometimes we can not handle it, we can not control it, it just comes, and I think you have to accept that too, it will come and go. You might feel that you have trouble getting up in the morning, but I found, that the more you stay in the dark, crawled up in those worrying thoughts, maybe accompanied by a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and.. sometimes.. maybe even anger, the worse you feel. I often then end up feeding myself with triggering intrusive thoughts, giving myself more things to worry about. It feels like tying yourself tighter and tighter with something so thick and (like walls so high) that you find it hard to see past it. But take a breather, there is a wonderful world behind that wall. Even a little cup of tea and the ray of sun can help you see that, absorb. Once you let yourself breathe, tears may fall, it is the acce...

Happiness, Perspective, Laughter, There is nothing better then girl time when our head is doing overlaps for all those love troubles in our life or when were stressed about overreacting, feeling low. To have our girls around often has the power to remind us of what is truly important; Our own happiness, not giving up our days for things that cause else and that we are incredible just they way we are ! It is like getting our light-bulb ignited often with that extra clarity giving advice, knowing that we are not the only one in those shoes, that empowers, opens up our hearts and minds and makes us realize things like;  - Let us not allow those boys use us as doormats, We deserve the absolute best ! - And even in situations where they never meant too, (but how can we know ?!)  and were the ones over-analyzing it, [ stressing due to confusion, doing our own conclusions, worrying were the reason, feeling low and then worrying of seeming crazy in their eyes due to al...

The last days I have been feeling a bit down, restless, but without energy to apparently do much about it, and somehow stuck, I have tried to convince myself that it is probably that dear PMS that is rocking my world again, but I do not know, I think it is something else too. Maybe I am feeling home sick? I thought about that too, all those people, and all that what I am used to, our little cultural things, the humor, the duck-pond that is like nowhere else.. .... And yes, I miss that, but that has been my life for so long, and for many parts, at least when it comes to the study life I have gotten older, old.. and so many of my fellow previous graduate friends back there are spread out, physically and calendar wise, and in a lot of ways I knew that for a long time I had needed something new in my life, and I still do, so I am happy to be here, lucky, which I remind myself of even during days like these. So homesick, yes, but there is another, bigger, yet more subtle element to i...

How it all comes back to my mind once I meet someone. The reminder, the flashbacks, the worry, it is not him in particular, but it is the fear. The fear that there at some point will be a one eighty turn in their ways, that you do not know what awaits around the corner, but the thing is you will never know if you let that fear take over. Fear can give you guidance, it can warn you, but do not let it control you. And no matter how hopeless it may seem, that we are always let down when we just given it one more go, do not worry, there are good things out there, Even in my own state of slight constant doubt and worry, I believe. Non of us should ever stop doing that. I have learned the hard way to be aware of what is around me, where I am and where I am heading. Time gives trust and too soon pushes get me to start backing. So do not worry (especially mom), I have lost my blue eyes and now I see my surroundings with my own, but with the backpack with all the lessons I have learned to ...

The name of this blog is taken out of two different songs that keep me going, while there are many, as you may have seen on my playlist, these two sum up that whats most important. I wanted to write down the part of the lyrics that mean the most but also share the songs for you to listen in case you had not heard them before. The first one is "Roar" by Katy Perry which I guess that many of you have heard before. I am going to let the following lyrics speak for itself. I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything You held me down, but I got up Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, your hear that sound Like thunder, gonna shake your ground You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now ...

I know some lovely couples, and living with them the past two weeks got me inspired to write the following. The perfect match is not if you like the same color, share the exact taste of music or enjoy a similar sport. That perfect match is all that in between. Appreciate each-other as amazing individual human beings. Goodnight <3

I have a history of being a pushover. As a child I had a habit of letting other kids decide over me (or well boss me around), ex. regarding what part oh what character I should be in a fantasy play, and I was just happy to be allowed to even be apart of the thing, to not be left aside. As a teenager that continued, I was glad to just be taken with, to not be left alone. I remember a specific incidence (at a scouts camp actually) where my teammates, decided that we should cheat in a competition task where the leader did not play a big part, by telling the others that I was the group leader since I was the weakly talented one....the only task my teammates gave me during that day long competition was to keep a track of time. I was happy just to get to be with them, that the allowed me to be there, but within me, as so many other times, it did hurt, I just did not say anything and did my best to bury those feelings... well, we ended up winning that competition, but the way to do that w...