Roar in the Afterglow

Improv theater (in class) is cancelled until autumn, and the some goes for Bhangra dance classes at my local Indian dance school. But that is the name of the game during these times, and here in the Nordics we are lucky enough to get to skip severe lock-down measures. Let us all remember that.  I have signed up to two short cooking classes/lessons in April, plus an Urban forest trail-running course, keeping my thumbs (and toes) up hoping that they will happen. I have been thinking about what to write about as my life feels emptier of substance than a hollow coconut. There is simply me, work, a lifeline of friendly catch-ups, books and an constantly updated to-do list to make me feel productive and help me from losing my mind to Netflix binging. I have recently started a once-a-week online psycho-dynamic therapy from my couch at home (and a cup of coffee as it is an early Thursday morning). I really like my therapist and feel so lucky that I managed to find her ..99% seem to be over...

Hello fellow lock-down chumps, Can I tell you about the "To do today" task lists I scribble down to keep my brain occupied and my days filled with activities- and how I then post-pone 2/3rd s of it to leave some excitement (like taking my winter shoes down from the attic or recycling an old toaster) for the following days ? I have a feeling there will be another long year ahead. On top of this I go to work (thank goodness it is a social one), take small day-trips by bus to change scenery, bake, read and meet up with friends where and when it feels safe to do so (and they get themselves out of their own respective caves). It is a never ending circle of slightly sad yet oddly comfy Wednesdays all year around.  But there are some things I have accomplished- I took a sea kayaking class in the summer, made a solo trip to Kilpisjärvi (that furthest Northern end of Finland), Climbed my first Fell (Saana). re-learned how to use an outdoor camper cooker, sailed, removed a wisdom tooth...

This is a post about what I deserve, and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged before 30” that was ahead. More important than getting h...

I previously wrote about making life choices and the importance of staying true to ourselves when making them and choosing our path. But no matter how much these bigger choices (like changing career or moving to another country) and smaller ventures (that will be mentioned here) lay on our mind ready to take action, there is something to consider once we make the conscious big choice to enter a relationship; - our partner. Our now most important commitment of all.  We all go through moments in a relationship where we need time to go out and venture to for-fill ourselves and our own wants and needs and where our partner might momentarily be physically left aside, whether it is going travelling on our own, going on a night out with our single friends, leaving for a longer job gig abroad, or (as my ex had) spending alone time hiking and camping in the same tent as a friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes we need to get away and take a breather, other times it is simply part of our pers...

I am longing for the unconventional. The out of the box, the unknown. Life is too short, the world is too remarkable and you are too precious to confide to a life of 'stay put because what if in 20 years..' I choose to turn around the worry this way.. if your heart desires to explore.. what will you be able to tell it 20 years from now ?  I follow my late grandpas footsteps, a forever explorer (adventurer, project worker, priest and sailor). I also have plenty of globally minded family friends as reference, who work with everything from garbage collection/truck driving, nursing, flight attendant, sailor, teaching, NGO peace-projects to being an ambassador, and an ever adventuring godfather who has sailed around the world a few times, chooses to rent, owns a cottage and is about to row the Atlantic ocean. There are many ways to build an international lifestyle. You can live your life "3 years here, 3 years there" or something of a more mixed divide, this especially if ...

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...