Roar in the Afterglow

This is a post about what I deserve, and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged before 30” that was ahead. More important than getting h...

I previously wrote about making life choices and the importance of staying true to ourselves when making them and choosing our path. But no matter how much these bigger choices (like changing career or moving to another country) and smaller ventures (that will be mentioned here) lay on our mind ready to take action, there is something to consider once we make the conscious big choice to enter a relationship; - our partner. Our now most important commitment of all.  We all go through moments in a relationship where we need time to go out and venture to for-fill ourselves and our own wants and needs and where our partner might momentarily be physically left aside, whether it is going travelling on our own, going on a night out with our single friends, leaving for a longer job gig abroad, or (as my ex had) spending alone time hiking and camping in the same tent as a friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes we need to get away and take a breather, other times it is simply part of our pers...

I am longing for the unconventional. The out of the box, the unknown. Life is too short, the world is too remarkable and you are too precious to confide to a life of 'stay put because what if in 20 years..' I choose to turn around the worry this way.. if your heart desires to explore.. what will you be able to tell it 20 years from now ?  I follow my late grandpas footsteps, a forever explorer (adventurer, project worker, priest and sailor). I also have plenty of globally minded family friends as reference, who work with everything from garbage collection/truck driving, nursing, flight attendant, sailor, teaching, NGO peace-projects to being an ambassador, and an ever adventuring godfather who has sailed around the world a few times, chooses to rent, owns a cottage and is about to row the Atlantic ocean. There are many ways to build an international lifestyle. You can live your life "3 years here, 3 years there" or something of a more mixed divide, this especially if ...

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with them, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety. My now former partners un-dealt struggles dug up my buried anxiety and trauma infused fears, panic hit within me. Mental health struggles do not only hurt you, they also suffocate the loved ones around you. I wanted to take responsibility. Life is too short and humans around us are too loved and important not to...

This past year has been a hellride as we both fought our anxieties. You wanted answers for us and I wanted you to stay back home where I sent you in September; find work, a path, structure, stability- I wanted it so bad that I caused you more anxiety, to which you wanted to fly back here and hold me immediately as that would extinguish the pain and the truth- at least momentarily. You realized that that was wrong, you would not be able to stay for long, ADD and Anxiety was knocking on your door. Many ups and downs, your moods, and tears of mine saying "listen and fix it this time". Later you wished for me to come to you- but I knew that it would not be the answer, tell you the truth it scared me. I would feel lonely as a person can be. You need to learn to live with yourself and no one can tell you how that should be (loved ones can advice you but you are your own key) - you will find your own way (in your own time), eventually. And so I changed the name on our former door, ...

I wanted to write something about friendships gone lost from what they used to be or those friendships that now show up as likes and comments but that where never really found in real life due to lack of time and placing. Those friendships that could have been something if we (and I) had been confident and aware enough to do something about it back then. I wanted to write about the human bonds that appear on the light up wall on our screen, but often get lost and only stay with us as a distant memory. I wanted to write something to the dear people that I have met, built a bond with and lost contact with as lives changed and years rolled on. As well as the people I only met halfway, the one I met at that party, or who once took a class with me, those who shared something that touched me deeply, those who continue to inspire me, those I see and bond with on my social feed. I want to get past the hurdle of simply saying`; `-hey, you have been on my mind' I want to gather courage...

This is a list of some sorts, it goes hand in hand with what I wrote just before. How to build a stable cross-cultural relationship abroad 1. Be SECURE IN YOURSELF, wherever you are. This is the number one thing before putting any pillars in to a relationship that you want to last, near to home or far away. You need to be able to find a secure center within yourself- for when times are good and when they are difficult. Neither can support the other if as soon as you hit a wall you as a partner are breaking apart. Trust in one-self is an important start.  2. Have YOUR OWN PILLARS for an additional sense of security. Realize that you are a new addition to someone elses life, you can not control your partners possible family problems that need time (and healing) to get resolved. Let them take their time, trust that it will one day be alright. Yes, these pillars of our own are hard to find and build, especially if you are newly arrived in the country you are in, But that is w...

Become whole and complete, teach yourself to surf even when hit by waves of anxiety. For me anxiety is a part of me, but I learn to walk through it, after years of hard work I found trust in me. It does not matter where I am, where I am I am me, others do not need to transform themselves to fill the holes in me, it is my mission to become whole entirely. You are welcome to walk right beside of me. But first you need to strengthen your own sense of inner security.  Become grounded in yourself, build yourself strong enough to become what you need from me. I will support you but I can not fill all the holes within you that you see, you need to become your own Oak tree. The waves will come, filled with anxiety, that is why you have to be a tree, find the roots within yourself. Sit with your anxiety. We each need to find our own sense of inner security. One day I will meet your inner Oak Tree.

They say that long distance relationships do rarely last and are hard to maintain, and yes, it is difficult holding on the the flame and keeping your weekly date-nights solely over a Skype-call with a 7 hour time difference and a virtual tour of the Louvre or Tate modern (whenever a shared game of disco glitter battleship, discussing Chump or talking about the containment of your laundry basket seems too casual). I am also almost certain that those same dating guidance rules do not (at least actively) recommend getting struck and divided for an indefinite period of time by a global pandemic. I miss you there across the Atlantic. A lot of things feel unknown, like when can we get back to normal, what will the new normal be ? Will we be allowed to live in the same country ? A whole plan of marriage, visa, work-opportunities, children and a house to grow old in has been put on hold over night. Luckily this waiting game is not new, and being apart is just simply something we now conti...

I woke up from a nightmare- the world was falling, borders where closing, a pandemic had risen, and my partner was stuck on the other side. The Atlantic Ocean is a big divide. We were supposed to build a future after 6 months apart, but this would have to wait until it was safe- until we could be reunited without restrains. As I opened my eyes and looked at the news, it all came running back to me, this pandemic was running free- with humanity trying to stop it from spreading rapidly. Outside there was a sunny Sunday and the birds where singing peacefully. Death is not a current number in the country that we hide, but it is set before us with living examples, it is just a question of time. Okey- so now I will change the tone, I am getting scared just here on my own. We are all in this together- not alone, so lets work together and let it show.  I wonder "Do I have it Do I have it" every hour of the day- keeping track of any relatable symptom and hoping there will be a...

When a nature or man caused catastrophe hits on your holiday, a privilege you received by being a western, paying so little for what they produce that their houses fly, sink or drift away- do you complain about the exclusive boat-trip being cancelled or hotel being changed, or do you see the real loss that the locals now face ? Do you volunteer to hand out food, build shelter from the rain, reunite lost children with their mothers- or do you complain about the hotel change and then simply fly away.  At least the All Inclusive was still in place, and soon you are back home- telling you friends how the holiday went ok, you tell them to be careful when booking a trip, it could get cancelled, so do not pay in advance, you could lose your money, and that would be too bad. Then you continue to tell about the drinks by the pool you settled to have. In the meantime those families are fighting to rebuild their lives, the guide for your cancelled boat-trip just lost his wife and child,...