Projection;
- a lot of unresolved anxiety
Dating in London;
- "I wish you looked more like home to me, I wish we had more shared similarities."
I feel hurt as this is all you see.
I continue (heart-brokenly) to be me.
Anxiety builds as you realize you can not make me into what you need,
your bad head-space falls all over me.
You knew that this strange dark state of yours comes once in a moon,
"-If I did not fill your needs you will have to look for someone new. "
These flashes of darkness were still a foggy mystery to you,
Resolving communication never happened, as you could not quite put your finger on its roots.
It was somewhere there projecting this built up pain in you,
I felt heartbroken, abandoned, and struggled to listen to your poorly communicated truth.
We both projected our inner pain and it spiraled like the flue.
Communication;
- recalled conversations,
Visiting in Montreal;
Me; - Can I meet you friends ?
Him: - I do not think they have the time,
- but a girl who is my closest friend and who I like to travel with might want to hang out.
Me; - So your only best friend is a girl, and I´ve never heard of her before- well that is a bit strange.. but ok....
Him; - I knew you would react this way, That is why I haven't told you,
- You are all the same, you will never accept that I am this way.
- Silence-
Me: - You are of-course allowed to see your friend, it is good that she makes you happy
- but any girlfriend would find it a bit uncomfortable and strange.
Him:- tension during climbing and overnight camping can of-course be seen as a reason to worry, but that is the reality.
.....
- and no-one else want to do the same things with me. And I like her company.
- My ex would not let us meet, she got jealous and thought I would cheat... so I stopped seeing my friend for years to keep the peace,
- But this girl makes me feel like myself, and that is what I need.
- Why do partners have to take that away from me ?
- I need to be allowed to feel like me.
Me: - I understand your frustration, but you need to be able to communicate this right, it is a easily confusing matter, alright ?
Conversation this fall (summed up);
Me; -You have had lots of up and downs, dark states mixed with uncontrolled impulsivity, and I do not feel safe emotionally,
- I am not feeling ready for you to come here with me.
- I need you to stay there, get the support that you need.
- and I need to stay here to work with my own trauma triggered anxiety.
Him; -Then you come here as soon as possible,
- and I only get into these states when you do not listen to me
Me; - I can´t because of covid, my job, and your instability.
- you are going to have to get better, give me a breather, and wait for me.
Him; - Then I will find someone else who is better for me, with shared similarities, someone who understand my sometimes unconventional ways and me.
- Someone that does not make their assumptions based on what they hear and see.
Me; - Well then I will have to move on with my life and leave you be.
Him; - But what if you made a promise to consider moving out to Newfoundland with me ?
- Sooner than later- but only when you feel ready, we will both be far away from family.
Me; -You are not listening to me, this is not healthy- can´t you see ?
- You need to step back and respect the friend in me, the friend who is begging you to see reality.
- And right now you are loosing me.
Him; -You are right, maybe friends is all we should be,
- I just wanted a solution fast, as this online relationship is breaking both you and me.
- you would not be able to live a life with me.
- I can see that growth and stability is what I need,
- but you make me unstable with your anxiety.
- We both need to face reality.
Later (conversations as friends);
Him; - What I do not understand is why my sister can allow her partner to hike and share a tent with a friend who is a girl,
- why does she not get jealous or forbid her partner to see her ?
Me; - Have you ever thought about that it could be because of what you say in your anxious dark state ?
- How you let your partner know that they might not be what you are looking for. That you wished they were more like.. well like your friend back home..
- You need to learn to communicate that friendship and your feelings right, and work on your commitment to your partner, as she would be the one you love and care about, right ? Do not talk to her like you find her exchangable.
- Her worries need to be respected and heard by you. If you find the right partner she will get you, but you need to show her empathy too.
- You are two in this relationship, no matter what you do.
Him; I guess you are right, communication is key,
Me; - And so is emotional commitment and empathy.
- and to learn to work with our anxiety.
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