Roar in the Afterglow

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.  As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts did not pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if they are alone in there ? What if they are falling, what if I could reach them ? If I care about them, I will always try.  But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. or at le...

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you do not want others to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensely. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more than I receive. It is like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes ...

Do things feel like they are not going anywhere, like you are stomping your feet on the same piece of ground ? Has your heart just been broken ? Are you asking yourself; will I ever get over this.. does this pattern just repeat itself. I feel this way sometimes... stuck... in pain... in an emotional rut.. you name it....sniffling and incapable to see the light, although to be fair.. that light.. even in the darkest of times does, in small glimpses, a little here and there, make it through to reach my receptive self. But seeing the small pieces can sometimes be an exhausting process....in this piece I wanted to concentrate on something else, something bigger. The Magic in a Year. If you think back on last year.. how much has changed, how many bigger or minor heartbreaks have you concurred (and yes.. not still faced..) and how has your view on the world broadened ? How many adventures (some more sudden) has the past year taken you on ? How has your life changed within that year ? ...

There is a pub filled with locals, their usual drinks and dogs. There is a pub where nostalgic tunes are played by a 70- something DJ, and where all the Sunday celebrating drinkers sing along. There is this Pub with faithful hippies and punk rockers, Paul McCartney Look alike just made it for a quick stopper. There is a pub where Caribbean seniors chat about the snow over a glass of mulled wine, where the regular asks us to top up the pint of Doom Bar so that his wife gets it ´just right´. There is a guy who always has Peroni (s) and reminds of Mr Mackey, and the occasional kids running in a circle trying to find paper for the things there about to paint. There is a live band karaoke that fills the pub every month, and all the people on their Stag Dos and Christmas gatherings that lift the roof with cheerful shouts. There are the pensioners coming in for sodawater and lime. There are the comedians who perform in the shows (and we rarely have time to meet), and then there is u...

5 for the price of 1, I mean why not- if you can get that.. might even need it later, and what a bargain ! Shop till you Drop... The world is filling up with things, stuff after stuff after stuff.. and then some more stuff just to sprinkle some on top. We are drowning. Yes, it is nice to get new things sometimes, especially if it is something we thought about for a long time....I am not trying to be political and I am not the best at arguing a case, but allow yourself to think.. how much do you need it ? Can we think twice ? The past years I have made a commitment, to only shop second hand.. may I say however that food, underwear, a recently published book I thought of for a long time or essentials that simply can not be found in second hand shops are not included. The reason I do this (well besides the fact that Londons recycling scene with multiple charity and thrift shops is quite unique) is, well first of all the money and quality.. it is really hard to argue with this lifest...

Sometimes life gives us lemons… we stumble and hurt our knee, we did not get enough sleep, we run into our date while looking like shit, we make mistakes, were out of luck and end up missing out on something.. a fun event or that one type of cheese we had planned on buying, the sudden weather does not suit our outfit.. we get grumpy, frustrated.. angry, a small thing could set the tone for the rest of the day. However, I wan't you to be aware that I did think about those cases where there is so much else that is lurking behind the reason for our mood. There are the cases where we are going through hardships, when the making of lemonade just really feels like a tasteless joke. Positive thinking, when going through a tough time- that one might sometimes be a hard nut to crack. I used to struggle with this, live a life where everything seemed gray.. well it was gray.. I was gray, I guess what I am trying to say here is that sometimes this type of thinking just does not cut ...

Dear men and boys out there, who took the courage to say I will, it is wonderful that you want to show us what examples you will be. And those few of you who said you have, thank you for your honesty- it is heartwarming to see that you now have grown, so that whenever we are around you we can feel safe, respected and free. I know it is not all, but I believe there are some, who search for applause and appraisal for what they now have become. That you now realized something that was there all along it was there in the looks, attitudes, song and talks, you just did not do anything about it that is all. For something that should have been a given, you now choose to see the truth. to look it straight in the eye, and remind yourself that this person will not be you. And yes you are wonderful lads, and I wish more than anything that your example will lay down a path, so that even those still in denial can pick up their act. But I will not say thank you, as that would be like gi...

Be careful, because unfortunately there are stupid people out there, unfortunately there are just some who do not know better, sometimes boys do stupid things.... I have been given a rape alarm for my own protection, I have been asked if I should carry a maze. I have looked into classes, gathered my strength, thought twice about how I should cover myself, I have planned a safe route as I walked. I have talked with a girlfriend on the phone as I made my way home from the bus, just in case- and maybe, that second witness would scare possible prosecutors away. We take this "everyday behavior" of some of the men out there, we walk through it, live it and adapt, it is painful in every way. The word Pussy and Girl shake that Ass for me (singed and rapped by men) are mentioned in so many songs and movies, in the language that is spoken and images that are shared. But the word dick does not seem to appear half as much anywhere. I have been yelled at, called at and grabbed, ...

This past late spring, summer and fall I have put a lot of energy into finding myself- into finding all those things that I previously just had been thinking of or for sometime forgot, in falling in love again with my own curiosity, making my footprints in my sand.  I found new hobbies, continued my adventures and made sure to approach my goals with an open-mind, widening my horizon towards all inspiring things I could find. There has even been a step by step change in career, with determination and sources of inspiration, I can really now see myself on a staircase leading there. I wanted to write down something about losing yourself in someone else. I tend to lose track easily, faster than I liked to admit, Anyone else out there who feels like this, who easily loses sight for all the things they (when thinking more clearly) would never want to miss ? I hope you understand that the situation this is based upon was all but bad, I was the one who lead myself off track -and t...

I am writing this from a lovely (but slightly chaotic at the moment) cafe just around the corner from where I live. The jazz is quite distractive but mixed with the cold September weather outside it can not help but to put a smile on my face. An older man sitting next to me tells me about a leg injury he got from martial arts and that he now, several years later, will receive treatment for it, as well as how life, if you allow to see it that way- is beautiful.. and that karma is not a bitch, only if you stir it up yourself. There are owl ornaments on the wall as well as a few guitars, and the Turkish family that own the cafe are having broccoli on the table next to me.  Anyway...  let me get back to what I had on my mind for today..I wanted to write about Letting go of the fear of being rejected . Lately I haven not been able to go out for drinks, or to clubs or any of those other scenarios where you might meet someone (whether clubs and Saturday nights are really the rig...

I wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. My mission here was not to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the people...humans we are. The ones we will always be. For a long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight. Sometimes it sprang...

Solo-travel and exploring on your own often seems to be something that is considered too big of  an hurdle, an  uncomfortable area we would rather avoid. As wolves we are more comfortable in a pack. I used to think like this myself. The thing is however, that we often (as singles in a busy world) find ourselves alone when we would have the time for an adventure. Schedules do not fit.  - Then there are of-course the differences in interests as well, and as being without a partner no one is  "obligated" (please take with sarcasm :D) to go with you on your holiday to extraordinary locations and events.  But hey, that being said; - what a perfect time for you to do exactly what you always dreamed of ! All I want to say is go for it.   Do not sit around waiting for "maybe another time" due to the fear, and I am not talking about the fear of being scared that something might happen on the way (that does not seem to be the first thing that pop...

For a long time I wanted to write a post about all the strong girls- women I look up too, that inspire me to push forward through each and every hurdle. Yesterday as I arrived to my little holiday here in St Ives I met this inspiring woman , she is doing a break for the mind and heart trip, just like me. Many years ago she left the same situation as I once did. She knows about the happiness that lies within finding yourself again. But this post is not just for the women who went through that kind of awakening pain, this is for each and every one of you who stand me close, for those who open my eyes for a new day. I look up to you for never giving up, as much as it is a battle, it is also about allowing yourself rest seeing the strength that comes in taking a break, Rethink Recharge Re-love, You A setback can be the thing that pushes you through, towards something better, something new. Thank you for crying Thank you for smiling Thank you for dealing with the pain Thank you for k...

A group of kids were gathered at a camp, they did not know each-other from before. Different cultures, different backgrounds, each with their own struggles and needs. Thurbans, grime lovers, west to middle east, a wheelchair and the sharing of some polish sweets. There for each-other when struggling with words, A lways making sure that inclusion came first. No one was left aside, As they departed, the biggest boy cried. A last circle of words of kindness, nobody really wanted to leave Welcome to London, it is one united team. #teamjackman

Ever felt like you try so hard to manage all of it and almost end up crashing ? I had a tough week But do not worry, like always there is a sun and clarity behind every  cloud (my cloud being tiredness)  While still having a slight cold on Wednesday  (after a lovely friendly all day outdoor date on Sunday) I was con tacted by  the  head office  for the youth organisation I worked for last summer regarding   whether  I would be interested in doing an ad hoc week at a day camp supporting a young blind girl in a wheelchair, a caring and inspirational girl if I may add. I had taken the next weeks off from the day support center for holiday and possible camp work.  I knew that my evening pub work was going to make it tough, but they managed to talk me around and I agreed to start at the camp the next day. I had an interesting first day with much to catch up on in a short period of time. After 1 h 30 min travel and 9 hou...

So my phone is buzzing, to tell me that Radish, Volvic , Matthew and some bloke from Newham have viewed my profile, yuppiee. I have recently decided to get back in the game. Just to make sure I do not end up an old maid..or whatever society norms seem to be afraid off.  This modern dating with so called match making apps is a strange world.. When looking for your match...;  -* Swiping and swiping of pictures of shirtless guys in gyms.. (hint; does not impress me at all), Oh you like Puppies, and you just happen to have 5 pictures with the same one, aww how cute. Let me marry you since you like dogs too.. Duck face- skip, waxed eyebrows- skip, posing infront of luxury cars -skip.. Oh you happened to just wake up.. and that is what you look like.. in bed..naked... and hey there is your pillow.. uugh, might need a change of sheets...but he does travel... aaaaand wait for it....; yes it is an unusual find, but he is here - the real life Fifty Shades of Grey man. Yes he wants...