Roar in the Afterglow

I was thinking of  attempting to do some travel writing, as my frequent backpacking ventures have taken me to quiet a few peculiar places.. Spring of 2023, Seoul International Airport.  waiting for bus towards Pohang. Walking up to the food-court through the waterflowing gardens and past the airport temple. Having lunch at a small street-food joint (99 % in Korean). Food is good, simple and cheap. Two elderly ladies are cooking, mostly noodle soup with dumplings of all sorts. The broth is amazing- not too spicy. Kimchi and fruit in the side (dip it ?) The English translation board reminds customers how to clean up after oneself in the school lunch hall.  On the bus the seats are mastodon (chunky) and there is much legroom. We are maybe 10 on the bus, having another 5 hour journey. We have a break at a rest stop near Gumi, all in Korean but a fellow passenger informs me that the break is 15 min. I walk outside- have a exhibition tour of the toy vending machines. When I get...

For a few years now I have wanted to live in a tiny house on wheels;           a mobile, ecological, minimalist grandmas cottage. Big windows, wooden floors, natural and warm yet bright surfaces,with pops of color (sunflower yellow kitchen cabinets, turquoise tiles or a single tea-pot) and Moroccan and Scottish throws and pillows. A spacious bedroom loft with a window in the ceiling, a small and not too heavy fireplace to keep the house warm during the winter (or just to boil tea and that cozy factor), a tiny wooden sauna room at the back with an inbuilt shower and half of a giant whisky barrel which could serve both as a sauna seat and bath tub. Storage space under the stairs (my goal is to have as little "stuff" as possible), a dinner table that comes up from the floor when needed, a couch/storage by the window. Wheels underneath to get to new exciting locations when needed (for work, other responsibilities or due to climate change), a few wooden fold box...

  Calling my bank back home in another European country to pass through SEPA payment for my public transport card here in the new but also safe and functional country where I despite the ever whispering inflation and grey employment market have managed to get some dream career related volunteership. This life is unpaid- but I have my "trustfund" (my own savings I worked for), a set of modern tools for any western situation and free libraries/workspaces for writing and life admin, free hostel leftover food and a keep-cup to sip my morning coffee from as a stroll around the city canals, its artwork and flowers. This life is safe. Be grateful for that. I try to numb myself for sanity and focus on that, as the bombs go off in other lands, as children are crying over the bodies of their loved ones, cradeling themselves with the last two limbs they have left, I try, for my own sanity, to turn off the images, focus on my coffee flavoured ice-cream from the small family busines...

Forgive yourself, lets start with that.  Anxiety can (and will) at times make us act all out of whack I used to pray; do not do this to me again.  Whatever you do- do not let me stumble off towards the edge. But you will stumble, that is a fact, so forgive yourself for falling way off track.  Find those around you who agree to communicate- not say what they do not mean and then leave the truth unsaid-causing you to sprint towards the edge. The edge gave you answers, truths that were left unsaid. It extinguished the feeling of hopelessness.  The what ifs, whys and fear of losing the shots you do not take, the ticking construct of the little time that is left.  Tick-tock, knock-knock and you find yourself unhinged.  Tick-tock, knock-knock you realize the spin.  Tick-tock, knock-knock, mortification creeping in.  Deep breaths darling You are not mad Deep breaths darling The right people will want to understand Deep breaths darling I will hold your ha...

For the past few years I have had a fallback in writing. A lack of inspiration and a feeling that I had already written about "it all", or the things I really wanted to say at least. Perhaps it is the SSRI medication that for the past 4 years have been numbing (in a good way) my anxiety- but also keeping my head away from mind loops, or perhaps I just got to the end of it- let out all the biggest of Roars.  But, whatever it is that has made me write less, I will make sure to not stop completely. I do enjoy this too after all, it is not only an outlet for something anxious, it was always supposed to be more than that. Something to lift spirits, bright up days, encourage others to live (or continue too) live their best and most for-filling lives. So, I decided to go through my solo travels, one by one. Because what might not have been obvious through these text through the years (that is- mainly from the summer of 2016 forwards), is that I went on adventures, on my own (mostly)...

Live with all your heart,  and never feel ashamed for trying every mistake, has a silver lining be grateful for all that you may learn Life is too short to doubt every move, every turn Listen, and never be ashamed of being true Stay curious, humble, and always be you respect yourself and those around you,  - thank them for their honesty too Life is meant for living, so never dim your light Pause in your steps,  breathe and shine on bright. 

Loneliness for me is a common feeling while travelling solo, don't think (when you are following my adventures on social media) that I am immune to it. I like the solitude at times, and it builds a stronger relationship with myself, to do this on my own that is, but I often wish I had found my companion.  I keep turning every rock, stair into wells to see a reflection next to me, stay open minded and socialise at home. I wander to all corners of the world, I am on all the apps- talk to locals. I am not shy. But so far he has not been found. I have (in moments of hilarious lighthearted desperation) even tried to go back in time Outlander style, if he is not in 2024, maybe in 1878. Perhaps a man from the Bridgerton era. Times are tough, and there are not plenty of available healthy mature fish in the sea, perhaps an old tire, but fish- well most of them have been caught by now, or they were let back into the sea for a reason. The trash never even made it to shore, people do not want ...

I would run cartwheels right where I stood if you showed up at my doorstep, if you suddenly sat in the audience during my Indian dance or Improv theater performance.  I would remember it forever if you showed up at the airport to say goodbye for now or welcome back,  I would love for you to ask me where in the world I am at.  I would love for you to reach out to me and ask us to read the same book simultaneously and then meet over coffee to share our thoughts, It does not take much time out of your schedule or much effort of sorts, just a suggestion, a thought.  I would love to go out for a joint run or jog, maybe for once right here in my hood- you could use my studio apartments little one person shower,  My home, my little wonderful life- You know you are welcome here too.  Meet me in my life, see where I live and what I do, it might not be marriage and children, or a big suburban house with a yard, but it is me, your friend- still hanging on at the other...

Remember those illustrated circles of holding hands, with different ethnicities and all kinds of flags, remember the schools teachings of UN children's convention- a right to be safe- and the hope it gave, "From now on they would all be treated the same." If a pact was broken, the protector would never cave- like a lioness it would reach out and save its children (our children) from pain.  Instead, when needed, the courage is in hiding, and so are the doves of peace- they hide behind their leaves.  The words are visible, but where is the care, where is the lioness in all this despair ?  The west was supposed to be a creator of peace and safety, but here we are, digging a grave. Death toll is rising as we vote whether or not to intervene, Children are dying as they flee.  This is where my mind is at, it is a mess, all the trust I had for the big ones; our policies- a harbor of safety, it has left.  And what about our children in the west ? What are we teaching th...

My grandpa passed away some years ago. For a long time during my teenage years and some into adulthood I felt light-years away from him, in our morals and teachings to follow. I was only looking at him like a priest, with his bible, a hungry need for being in the spotlight (he was a well liked radio host, preacher, author, playwright, ceremony holder, documentary film maker, pilgrim arranger, met the pope once- you name it). When I was feeling down at the age of 17 he wrote me a letter about watching more of TV7 (a local conservative evangelical christian channel), he told me it made his days brighter and that I should try it too. PS. He was not conservative, I think. We never talked much, not really. He had 3 grandchildren.  I do not think that he ever really knew me, and neither did I take my time to view him as a person behind the priesthood which he so often talked about. But when I look back on him now, as I found myself and stand supported, I can see past the job he had chose...

Anxiety, as you well may or may not know is a crippling feeling. It affects your heartbeat, brainwaves, thoughts, assumptions and actions there after.  The good thing however is that the horse can be tamed;  - breaks to your ever spinning wheel (like medicine; serotonin I bow to you, self-discovery, honesty and a little bit of love and laughter at the solutions your mind would like to rush you in to) can be put in place and, for the most part, maintained.  Plus, be kind to yourself when you hit a set-back, these things are bound to happen. You are after all only human. not one of those floating zen creatures with a crystal on you forehead able to have insight and clarity to peoples intentions through the power of mind reading (damn.)- but hey neither are you the Hulk. Phew.   Sometimes it is social anxiety- to me this tends to happen when I walk into an acquaintance, note that I do not have the same problem with close friends or strangers. But there is something...

Lately I have been thinking about how the fear of "it being awkward" can keep us from fully living, making new friends and following our hearts true desire. People often ask me how I dare to travel alone and live in hostels; Is it not it awkward to be alone- and what about when there are groups of friends and you are the only one "alone", or what about if you approach them and they do not catch on... ?  First of all hostels (as my first example) are social (usually), and in most instances you are not the only one travelling alone- and if you are afraid of the awkwardness that comes with the first approach, that is only a natural part of it- and it is awkward and scary the first times, you are after all suddenly sleeping and "living" in the same room and sometimes bed with around 5-10 strangers of all ages and from all over the world - but the more social the hostel and the more "alumni of solo travel" your new dorm-mates are, the more natural and...

What does true friendship mean to you ? To me it means that they will dance with you in any room like no one is watching (even though there might be other people around who would roll their eyes, feel second hand embarrassment or share and whisper into the rooms you move through). This dancing is of course a metaphor (but doesn't have to be), it could be referring to opening up, talking deep, listening wholeheartedly to both of your biggest worries or biggest dreams- it does not matter if those around do not think that deep- with me you can be you at any time any place, and I hope I can be that with you too. That is what true friendship means to me. We can laugh out loud or cry if we need to, be  as we are in that moment in time, in good and bad (as long as we work on ourselves, and hold ourselves, and each-other accountable) no-one is left (out of embarrassment) aside. That is a word that true friendship leaves behind.  When I was a child I was often embarrassed of myself, I ...

Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others.. -Side note;  I am lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.  Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside. No...

I do not know if the people around me through these past 10 years understand how much they mean to me- how they shaped so many "firsts" for me. Firsts after I freed myself in order to live and breathe freely (despite the fear/distrust I had for what I would end up drawing to myself in this world, and my place in it), firsts after I broke my mental shackles and left him behind.  Most moments- happy and sad, and teaching- I embrace (or at least later reminisce) with gratitude. I live each day (from the inside out and by taking the outside in) and grow. We are never fully healed (and our traumatic pattern among else puts bumps to the road) but to still be walking ahead is a gift. I am thankful.  Just to Be Here. Growing.  I haven't always been easy to be around (anxiety, panic and a rambling mind/mouth) and I want to apologize for anyone I have "run over" and not heard. But I want you to know that I am aware, and thank you for being there. There are several moments...

I mentioned before what I am currently grateful of, and now I wanted to take you a bit deeper in to one of those things. Dating (getting to know) men as friends.  The main reason I do this is in order to find hope in men again, rise my standards for how men who I let into my life can behave- not lower them.  - I will not rush into anything, but simply give time to get to know good and emotionally and socially mature human beings (* single men over the age of 30- but all good-hearted contacts bring be hope in humanity). I want to get to know them and them to get to know me. I want genuine human connection, friendships. Not short sighted flings based on me giving in (putting out). I want relationships, friendships that will last regardless of our status. True friendship (and trust in that person) should not be valued any less even if a romantic relationship (or sex) does not turn out of it.  - On top of that I want to give it time to get to know them (and build that trust)....

To become our own best friend, I've found, is one of the most healing and strengthening skills we can teach ourselves as we walk through our life in this messy world filled with love, pressure, expectations, trauma, learning to put up boundaries, growth, crippling loneliness, chosen solitude, joy for the little things and building new/starting over.  To listen to our own needs (and as we do- listen to and put up our boundaries and how we need them to be for the time being) is what we have to do in order to reach inner happiness and peace. What we need, and what we want and choose to keep out for our own well-being goes hand in hand.  Sometimes we might have to take a break from certain company, from certain activities, maybe change our job or job-pattern, maybe step away from friends who distract our process or demand to much in comparison to what we actually can give. Maybe we need to leave behind those who never valued us at all. Follow your heart, and path to self-respect. ...

I wanted to write about people out there, human beings, and the joy it can bring simply to know that they exist. And even if we only got to have them in our lives briefly.  I recently went solo travelling once more, and met inspiring people at the hostel and among the locals as I opened my eyes and let my notion explore. There are those in life I only came to met briefly and those I knew for longer, but who turned into a memory as we no longer (for one reason or another) shared a path. I can, and have learned, to appreciate their gift to the world (and to themselves) in simply being human and growing into becoming who they need. As well as being able to find thankfulness and (if needed) strength, in life´s uplifting simplicity.  - There were the kind hostel workers, mostly young men- still finding their feet, still not knowing where they wanted to be, but thankful for their wonderful community. - There was a girl in the bed above me- the first night she arrived we giggled as I...