Roar in the Afterglow

If a product could talk, told you where it came from and how it was made, how its creators were feeling and how long of a journey it had to take, - would you still want to buy it, put a chip into this game ? How much did its bargain price and mass produced parts take away from the birds, monkeys and trees ? How much is our air polluted for our (pointless) wants and needs ? And once it was sold, who got the profit ? The stockmarket, a mansion or someones needing pocket ? So in 2019, support Fair-trade, sustainable, local or independently made, or buy the already produced ones -no double footprint, re-use the same. Give back to the planet what you take, a charity or a hard working maker this way. 

I wanted to write about male self acceptance, both physical and otherwise. The idea of the ideal man. Strength, a pack of six and brave as a bull. No- humans are not Captain America- or whatever character your head might turn you too. And. p.s I am sure this fictional character has troubles too. like unwanted body hair. or anxiety. Do not let the cameras fool you. Neither do they look like Adonis- and if you or your friend does (or get close to it), congratulations. it is all a pleasant bonus.  But that's the thing- bonuses; fit, guitar skills and the energy and streak of luck to create a start up company like all the millenials- no matter how appreciated, they are just that. a cherry on top of the sundae. The Sundae being You. Now before this gets to ice cream referenced let me rephrase that. You are enough. Honesty, a warm embrace. It does not matter if there is or isn't dandruff sometimes. Love handles. Oily skin or a beard that will never start growing even if y...

I wanted to write something about going on adventures of your own- even after you found someone who would walk there beside you to any  corner of the world. Now, this might not fit everyone's idea of a relationship- but it is an important value and hope in mine. With so much time spent walking this earth solo, making plans and taking planes, hikes- breathing out after a past I left behind- I have grown fond of this feeling- the freedom, the time to myself. It is a part of me I will always need- a hug that no one else could give.  Being someones companion- team- does not always mean walking with you, beside you- literary. It is just as much about giving space- showing understanding. Be happy for the other part going out there in the world and gaining the strength and peace that they need. And I guess in a lot of ways staying sane for themselves- and through that for others. Understanding that, is love.  So, there will be times when I need me, breath in, remind myself tha...

Follow kindness,  it really is that simple.  sometimes when you're captured by the mess of usual choices they are standing right there, you only start to notice them when you step out and see it clear.  a space to breathe was the first, joy was the second, now I'm gratefully dancing and tapping my feet, you ask me if I'm cold and how many movements I can do to this beat.  Endless I tell you, you see kindness was the key, It lifted me up to where I deserve to be.  - to my dads golden advice- 

I deserve to pack my bags of worry and leave it in safe hands, I deserve to get back to my life, and the love for it that was always there, I deserve to breathe, adventure, run ..be free I deserve to absorb the sunshine, I deserve to get back to me, Thank you life for reminding me. 

You know the uncomfortable feeling you get each time you hear the soundtrack (or That beat) from the cult classic Jaws ? What would it be like if that feeling effected your sensors physically (and you felt the tunes and beat like a deep drum) and then that heaviness got stuck on repeat for a while.. a few hours ? Or maybe went away only to return as soon as the bus drove a bit to close to the curve and heavily hit its backside against the concrete with barely no sound ?  And as the heaviness hit you and all your sensors where overloading (lump in your throat, rope around your heart- pulling and releasing, heatwaves) you would have needed a quiet space- a neutral blank page to calm the engines down- gather yourself, but instead you are faced with crowds, the bus, grocery shop, the world does not stop turning.  There are many different things that a Highly Sensitive Person (about 15 % of the population) can find as their cryptonite..or in less Marvel words- stressors. There ar...

I wanted to write about why I "even waste one thought one these complicated human relations", why do I put so much energy into it, why do I care ? I have several friends who do not waste a second thought on complications, confusion or resolvement. They simply walk away and save their energy. But I have never been capable of doing that, although do not get me wrong- I can walk away without a second thought from bad first and second dates or those Russian Rulett App- conversations. But as soon as we share about are past, fears, hopes and talk with open hearts (and I will ask for deeper, otherwise there is no going forward in the relationship, date or friend) I start to connect.  Anyone who has ever heard of the term Empath or HSP can understand or relate. I believe, after much self search and understanding that I belong in that category. Although I have to say I do not like that word- Empath, it just sounds very "perfect and higher ground" to me. Empaths can m...

In the world of dating are you also one who "tries too hard" give's a 110% and is always understanding ? Even to the point that the offers you make of "staying around" or adapting to their busy lifestyle and priorities, as well as your mental " If I just"- and "As long as I do not"-battle, are taking over all the good sides of you, your sanity, well-being, life.. The sparkly, freely-breathing and life-exploring human-being that you are ? Do you get sucked in and stuck by your own will-power and hope for them to change ? It is okey to give it your all, do not ever feel bad for that. .... but when you start to feel yourself hitting the walls of the box of a person who has clearly barricaded themselves in (and you are stuck in the thought of helping them find their way out, desperately trying to let some sunlight in..) Know when to leave- it is not your box to crack open, you have the whole world to enjoy and one life to enjoy it in. Do ...

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling...

Today I wanted to explore therapy (or more so, how we all are already doing it every day- if we look closely,  Ever thought about getting therapy- or heard someone say that they where receiving it or trying to get a referral, and you thought "Yikes", maybe even got slightly uncomfortable. Everything is therapy, so let us break the Taboo. From Psychoanalysis and CBT, to drawing class, watching the ocean or eating a sandwich on the underground. At different times we need different kinds, but we all do undergo them, and we all need them. From personal growth to taking space for ourselves, a deep breath, finding calm from the sound of waves, or spending memorable time with friends.  Calming down in a busy world can be challenging, maybe you are one of those who have tried and simply can not find the focus, too many gremlins and cymbal playing monkeys in your head, don't worry- they are often taking over most of my inner peace too. But that my friend- acceptance, being ther...

Naked bodies. Thank god for those. And No, I am not talking about a surgically enhanced cover of a magazine. Or any add for any make-up or wrinkle cream.. something to to tuck things in, straighten out a wrinkle, a stretch mark. you name it. I am talking about bodies, Real Bodies. Life. A few weeks ago my good friend mentioned to me about how thankful she is, and how lucky we are as Finns, to have grown up with nudity, saunas and PE- classes at the local pool- with changing rooms for all the generations. To from the age of 8 get to see breast thrown up over a shoulder, big granny pants, shower caps and hair in places that Cosmopolitan would not dare to mention it in its newest section on smooth summer skin. That is being lucky. So damn lucky. We know what real women look like. A body changes with life. Without that change the one inside it would not have fully lived. To see the determined face as she enters the pool. A wrinkled laughter, all parts sagging- slightly loose. She f...

I decided to make a list of observations I made here in my little London life the past month. - Here on Stroud Green Road, Next to the Big Yellow car-wash  there was an injured pigeon walking the street, a cat was chasing it. The bird could not fly and had no chance, a man came and picked up the pigeon and moved him to a safe location, my faith in humanity was restored. - I explained to the fire-alarm, (as it went off) not to worry- it was only burned toast. - If you observe me you will find that I always apologies to furniture I bump into. As I hit my toe I will most likely say something along these lines; "I'm sorry.. Ouuch.. &%#?, Ouuch.. And then I laugh or cry depending on the damage. I wonder how I would react if the door suddenly replied with a British politeness, - I am starting to realize that I am a little bit of Ted Mosby, Bridget Jones and the foxes that scream outside my window at night, non of them never give up on whatever they are fighting for. - ...

If you wait long enough a new morning reveals. There are no failures You're a fighter She wakes up, he breathes. I don't care how long you stayed in bed, it is not a competition, Wiggle you're toes for a while instead. You are still here- despite the hell you've been through It doesn't matter what they think, What matters is you. There are many reasons to shut down the lights, but the one that keeps on burning is the fact that you're still alive. I hope somewhere you're smiling, not for the world to see, but within yourself- for whatever reason it may be. I hope you find a reason to see the day until its end. And then.. A new morning reveals. You're a hero dear friend. .

We all want to love the person we fall in love with (who they are now), we all want to tell them how much we cherish their strength, their capability of standing up, and staying that way. We all want to love someone for the smile they bring with them, for the laughter that now brightens up our face. But I want you to love her too. I am not my past, I left that behind. But I still hold her hand, till this day, always, and each and every night. I don't need you to love me that much, I know you already do. But she needs reassurance; that you would have loved her too. It wasn't pretty, I was a mess. But each night I tell her, I do not love her any less. Once someone I loved, used the word %#!?¤ when describing girls who...well lets say look for attention in obvious ways. I was her, she was me- only my hope for love (how twisted it may have seemed) was within those walls and the paradigm of something that would never be received.  I don't even call money makin...

I'm the girl who dreams of flowers, but hopes for a text back. I'm the girl who's face lights up when hearing "maybe", but wishes so dearly that you would run for her through the airport tracks. I'm the girl who leaves a message so you could hear my voice, but almost never dares to ask you for a call (no pushing), it should be a simple choice. And when you then later text me, something short, funny, well we are back on the same track. I'm the girl who would run a mile, just to see the smile on your face, I'm the girl who hopes that one day you would feel that way I'm the girl who is used to hear you thinking, "isn't it all one and the same ?" I'm the girl who's learnt the difference between daydreams and reality, but really- this cutting it short, it is a shame. ' I'm the girl who allows herself to hope that one day you'll suddenly cross the threshold to the bar, but I'm also the girl who knows- the...

One of the most valuable lessons in life is that no one else will be your knight in shining armor (or Wonder Woman or Xena). In life, you ride your own white horse. And that said; you are the key to your own happiness. So don`t wait. And do not lay the expectation on someone else. You can take your own adventures, today (okey maybe not today but like when you get annual leave). An you can buy your own flowers. You can comfort And I am not denying the fact that it would be nice to one day have someone to do some of that for you. But until then. Don't wait, and even then. You are, and will always be, your own knight Here are my weekly £2.00 flowers, celebrate your life

As a child we could do unsuccessful cart wheels followed by a smiling grin,  we did not think much of what they thought, no worries rolling in. Until teenage life put on its spin. "You're great but.."over and over started following a few years later, No wonder we now set out to break our own heart, no wonder we diminish ourselves in advance. "I'm a bit crazy, and I'm not that smart, and clumsy.. yeah you saw that from far." Nervous laughter, and on the inside we are thinking.. we ruined this from the start. This is how we break our own heart. But what if we could sit in that swing again, smile with a grin all the way through and till the end. No worry or embarrassment of what we would have raised in their thoughts. just us, as ourselves, and the right people will never be lost. Unbreak your heart.

7 candles lit up, my face -like fire crackers. No wishes, they rarely last. I did like people normally do. it echos, my past. I look at you. I like your face, it reminds me of sunny days. freckles, beard, sleep, sweat, it echoes, I can`t feel my feet, I'm in a haze, I step outside to see the stars in their grace. I'm right here, and I will be okey. I go back inside, you're fast a sleep. but I got my air. I'm still me. I know this concept might be too big, too deep, too heavy, I'm scared but still I chose to speak. I wrote it down why the air, why do I cry and tell you that I fear that I'm not there. you deserve to know what you see, I owe it to the future me,  I opened up a wound,  the thing I'm carrying those times I get up, outside, and look at the stars and the moon. But like an empty note, I'm still waiting for the words; it's okey. Your past isn't appalling me from you in any way. Sorry, I fell asleep...

With you, next to you, you on mine and me on your shoulder, Together-  I want to grow, and grow older. Life is not a flawless picture. It is a perfectly imperfect un-photogenic mixture. It is hugs at 5 am, burnt toast, long haul flights and movie nights, it is a missed phone call, a car over-packed with toys, dreams come true and socks on the floor, it is stressful weeks- and love once more. It is together figuring out this thing called life, It is sudden laughter, It is your smile, The way you look at me; and I know we will be alright. It is every raindrop, every breakdown (car or human). It is every worry or past nightmare I promise not to hide, It is our balance, annoyment but love that never died. It is You & Me, messy. honest. real. I promised to love all of you so I wont just take a half, all of me- uncensored- and you still reach for my hand  .. and  so I know, We will last. With still butterflies in my stomach and spilt milk...

When you wrap your arms around me tonight, please do not hold on too tight, but please do not roll away from me either, that is not what I want, neither. And do not wonder if I suddenly press on the light.. I think you understand, I can still feel the echoes from my past But I wish you stayed right here with me, no force, no pressure, just two heart beats. This, safe and sound, is where I want to be. I would love to have you close to me.

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close. This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost. When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ? That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most. I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it. I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cerea...

You might be wondering why this dark topic is now in front of your eyes, well, first of all this is a part in my life that I no longer choose to hide. But I wrote about this before, thought about leaving it there, but it came back to my mind so now I have touched this part of my life once again. Last night I wrote a poem about those darkest days, there is no hopeful ending, because that darkness was my state. This poem is the battle for life you go through when stuck. Emotionally and fearfully to a situation you feel that you can not get away from. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness, of giving up on life.. it is the exact opposite, It is a sign of strength, this is not to glorify the terrifying act, but to open an understanding towards this battle for life, It was the only thing that still helped me feel that I was here, the pain ensured me that I would not disappear. Fire= Self-harm Smoke= Tears, sadness, dizziness, shaking, being distant I'm Still Breathing   ...

A Little poem I wrote;  in accordance with  Little Sparrow  and  To learn to see all of you with new eyes (self perception after leaving an abusive relationship) Awkward laugh, skinny arms or floppy belly. Every inch, every sound. - This story, I am telling It is a part of me. It is who I am. Through every hurdle they held my hand. So I will not hide, put walk forward with pride, To every single part, I will be kind. 

I wanted to write something short about living in another language. This might not hit home for everyone, but if not solidarity (which is the hope behind most of what I write), maybe this might offer some insight for those who have not been there, or for those who only speak one language and never been faced with this kind of adaption. Do you remember when you were 13 or 14 years old, trying to take part in the adults discussions, or keep track, understand... I mean I know the jokes were not probably of your highest interest, but imagine you wanted to understand? Get the banter, Got the pun? No pun intended.. god I still can not wrap my head around what that means.. Anyway...Imagine....There you are.. at 13 years old.. trying to understand business.. the terms, imagine that your completely new to this world.. and then you are expected to.. and try your best, daily. to juggle the words. That is what it feels like, most of the time, I know this writing, when there is no hurry or pres...

Ever witnessed mistreatment, or heard words that made you turn your head ?  Ever walked on as if what you witnessed was something normal- pretending like it never happened- that it is not up to you to stand up to what was being said ? Do you ever think who else might have heard it, who might hear it again-by the end of this day ? How they thought that it is accepted- to be talked to this way.  Have you ever thought who`s business it is to teach our youngsters not to call each-other names, have you ever let it continue, blaming the parents for their ways ? It is not our place to interfere, it is not our problem so why should we care, and god forbid- if we decided to say something- what if someone stared ? But what if we could change the current, help the river shift its stream ? What if we could end a vicious cycle even if it was "just a badmouthed kid who does not understand what it means".  What if we could change a life, or even just a day ? What if this ...

I started my new job in book publishing (still can not believe it) I got here thanks to something I would refer to as a mixture of a lot of hard work and some lucky "how could this possibly have happened" strokes. After much emailing... and I mean over a 100 publishing houses asking if they would have an internship and I could work for them for free, calculating the months I had to wait to get through the queue to get to work for free, and after calculating how I would live life for 6 months with a full-time unpaid job and some pub work.. and sleep during and 70 hour work week.. I got a magical twitter response, some CV guidance over a coffee offered by this ferry godmother and some insights and an extra pair of eyes out to the industry and its people,.. ..... one week later a get an interview. It turned out to be the same publishing house that publishes the Scandinavian cooking book in our kitchen, plus several titles on mindfulness, humor and simple well-being. A week lat...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...