Roar in the Afterglow

I had the most wonderful thing happen to me, it was love, just like out of a film.. actually, it Was in a film. And I was sitting on the couch, by myself, just me, eating left over chocolates from Christmas ... And it was so romantic that I even clipped my toenails on the same table.. okey that is not romantic at all... but I am by myself, so I can do whatever I want and soon I am going to be living in and sharing a house with 4 other people for the next 6 months and maybe longer after that, so I am taking everything out from these last few days as a lonesome.  Anyway, the point was to write about the feeling you get when you watch a film like that- with no one who holds you, smiles back at you or massages your shoulders while you clip your toenails. Sometimes it might feel like a bit of self torture, am I right ? I mean I know times when I just do not let myself watch anything like that, just to avoid the feeling. But why? I mean, I like it, not the self torture, but the other ...

Do you stress ? I stress a lot.  The past days I have been kind of busy with making sure that all the forms/document for my exchange and moving are correct, and the truth is, there has not really been that much that needed to be done (since I started fixing everything many many months ago), just some small things that are easily fixed, so why do I get so stressed about them? I always do that, I panic and I make things a bigger deal than they probably actually are, just because what if it turns out that its a big deal, than I have to do everything, and I mean everything to try to fix it, sometimes it feel like I almost search for the problems just so that I will have a solution for it if it decides to suddenly run into me. But the thing is, I should just do what I can and then relax because I have already done what I can do for now. Over thinking does not usually mean that you came up with anything smart, or at least in my head it sound more like a stressed out parrot who has h...

It is not easy knowing whether what you found is right, is this love real ? Is this love safe ? How do I truly feel ? It can be difficult to be honest with ourselves. I usually (or well, those few times I get this far) try to ask myself these 3 following questions, and I hope they can help you too; 1.   If all you had was an empty white room, could you sit there with just them, as they are, and would they sit there with you ? Do you love them for them, or for the things that come with ? Do we love them for a hobby that they have. their family or friends, their social status, A high position at a fancy company or the ability to treat us with luxuries ? And how about them, what is it that they love about You, is it You they love ? Would they be enough as they are, would you love them even without all those things? And how about them ? Sometimes there might even be things that come with that we find annoying or that we do not like, or in worst case makes us feel unsafe, ...

Today it is the Orange Day, it is UN:s International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I thought I should write today, and even if we all should help to break the silence, and help the person if we ever found out that their being abused (in any way), the truth is that often we stand alone. I wanted to write about that day, The day I broke the silence. It has all luckily started to fade into a blur, but I will try to recall as much as I can remember. I remember him sitting indoors on his computer for weeks, Outside there was a sunny summer, I remember trying to tell him to go outdoors more, to get some fresh air. Maybe he could do his work in a park ? I remember that he got outside with me, we were supposed to go and meet his friends a few kilometers away, I reminded him of getting outside more often, " I mean look at all the people sitting in the park, there is still summer left" He told me to Shut up ("Why can`t you just shut up.. ?") , an...

I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute. It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes. I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You . As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me tha...

I felt a lot of shame for the things I had gone through, what he had pushed me in to, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Who could I trust, or did I just trust anyone who knocked on my door ? Did I know what to look out for or was I just dragging more of them to me?  Was I going crazy ? Would anyone understand ? I knew the school psychologist did, but what about everyone else, what about the outside world ? My friends? Where had I been, who was I ? How to get my life back and what was that ? Could I find any understanding for this battle I was going through ? I felt alone, very alone, even though I had friends around me. I want to share these experiences because I want to be a part of breaking the silence, tell about that what actually many people face everyday. By writing about it in the way that I do, what I faced, how it effected me and how I everyday work hard with myself to become stronger I also want to help to take away that feeling of shame. Because w...

Why are subjects like mental health and therapy such a big Taboo ? I read an article in the University Paper about struggling with mental health and being afraid to talk about it to your friends, what if someone found out, how would they look at me then ? I believe that many of us struggle with something mental, or have or will at some point in our life. We all go through things in  life and we all have a mentality, we are all human and humans are fragile. And what about the modern society, what its doing to us; daily pressure to give out a certain look of a happy perfect life and yet when we have that moment we want to share, we forget to live in it, to actually be with them. And what about the stress ? I think we can all agree that every single one of us can easily fall apart. So why could not we just talk about it more openly ? Think about it, we say that true beauty comes from the inside, we all (well almost all of us) work on the outside to look good and sometimes some o...

Fear during and then anger, and sometimes fear again. But as everyone else, he is also just a fragile human. I wrote about broken pasts and how that helps me understand his behavior, that it helps me let go of anger, because there is not much he can do about it, but that I also will never accept it, since no matter how ill, he might be... he never had the right to treat me that way. Yes, he had a very broken home, and no stability, but he also chose to not deal with his past or with the problems in his own behavior. He was too sick for that, his unrealistic ego stood in the way. And during the years, as I told in the earlier posts, I got to see his reaction when he was confronted by his own mistakes, when I again had to tell him what he had done and beg him to change. He could not take it, blamed me for blaming and confronting him, for bringing up the past (and the past could have been yesterday and most likely would be the next..) Why did I have to be so mean, why could I just not f...

Thank You for dragging me down, because now the only way is up. Thank You for humiliating me, because I have learned to see my own beauty Thank You for showing me, because now I know what kind of future I want to have Thank You for almost taking away my breath, because now I breathe more then ever Thank You for pushing me into fear, because now I know that I am brave Thank You for making me feel hopeless, because all I seem to feel is light Thank You for making me break the silence, for now I know my own Strength. 

To someone in a panic: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we can`t, we are stuck. We are torn. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it. If the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, do not push them back, remember, you are here for You and so are your tears.  Also, Do not close up, do not leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you can`t , like you shouldn't. You might think that you do not want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they would not understand. But no matter what is on your mind, you should, You are not obligated...

You know that feeling when there is so much noise, and it is so crowded and it makes you feel tired, out of air and that it is all just too much ? I feel that way sometimes, and as I came home today I could feel the tension within me and the tears started to flow. I had just come from the supermarket, taken a jogging trip around the whole city and walked through the parks and before that helped a friend move into her new apartment. There is life, and everything is fine, I am fine and nothing feels hopeless anymore. So why the tears ? Sometimes you just feel that way, and you need time to just breathe. We need to let ourselves cry, and there should be no shame. Where all just human, it is good to remember, that is what my dad once told me, and it is true. It is such a simple message and yet it can be used to understand so many things. In addition to this anxiety of mine, he knows about my trust issues and he wanted to remind me of that we all make mistakes. Just because someon...

It is always good to write, especially to write down your feelings, to get clarity. The University School psychologist thought me a few years ago to write a positivity journal. The idea was to remind myself of the good that is going on in my life, around me, in me. It helped a lot, to see the positive in the things that have happened, what I have learned and how it made me stronger and what good I can see in this particular day. Slowly it helped to change my way of thinking. So now I do not have to write down a list or a journal everyday. It is in the way that I feel. And first I thought that it was all about writing down all the things I learned, the fun things that are happening right now and what I should look forward too. But with time I realized that its much more than that, For myself I adapted that positive writing to use whenever I start to feel anxious. Important here to know about anxiety, if you did not already, is that it comes in waves (at least mine does) you do not ...

Do not force yourself into situations or to stay in them to please others, think about whats best for you, where do you feel comfortable? find your own path, let yourself breathe.

I wanted to write down a list of facts that I find important to say, but that I either do not want to make entire post of due to their darkness. Even though some things might be difficult to reflect on, I have found that it is important to be aware of them all. Only that way can you truly start growing towards something better, get closer to becoming whole.    He (2008-2012) never hit me, I want you to know that. Am I angry ?  I used to be, and it really got to me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it (some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could recall). I wanted to deal with my past, in some way heal my wounds by being there for me again, and by learning from it, try to ensure that it would never happen again. As I now, years later, read through my writings ...

I went out hiking this weekend Sometimes when you get out in the nature you remember to think clearly, you stop for a second and get closer to yourself than ever. Watching over the quiet lake reminded me of how thankful I am of my own vulnerability as well as my strength and the fact that I am still standing. I am thankful for no longer being there, in that down-dragging mess that could have been my future, I am thankful that I am here, right here and still breathing, but without the feeling of hopelessness in my chest. As night came, we; that is us scout leaders and some of the kids, did something that I secretly always dream of, we searched out a clearing from the trees where we then laid on our backs to watch over the clearest starry sky. Again I was reminded of how thankful I am to just breathe, even though it some days almost breaks me in to pieces that your not here yet..I started thinking of where you are.. I am thankful for the time that I have to get back in touch wi...

What do I think you should look for in a person ? . . Choose someone who will love you for who you are, who supports you, encourages you and hugs you often. Choose someone you can share your troubles with if you wanted too.  (sometimes we do not want unload on to them all that we are carrying) ... just knowing that you can gives you a feeling of calm.  Choose someone who will love you know matter what size or shape, as long as you are happy, that is all that should matter.  Choose someone who will not laugh At you, but With you.   Choose someone who loves and admires you for your strength. Choose someone who will be there to catch you if you fall.   Choose someone who hold your hand when you need it.  Choose someone who encourages and support you to reach for you dreams.    

Over the past years I have been thinking a lot about how guys talk about women and how they talk to them, what they say that they look for in a woman and so on. Some men (and of course women too) can be very superficial and also talk in (my opinion) a somewhat degrading manor about the other gender... Personally I have been in a Sauna as the only female with a bunch of guys, and listening to them talk about us like.. well.. it was not nice to hear. To be honest it made me feel a bit sick. How can men, far past puberty, and in an age where you would think that they would start acting and thinking like grown ups, still talk about women as.. well.. pieces of meat ? A woman is not just "good boobs and nice ass and long blond hair, or whatever hair-color,  or figure you desire " made me feel nauseous even writing that sentence... It is not my puzzle to solve, but I hope that they in time, whenever that is, learn to better ways and do not teach that way of talking to their ow...

I walked down the street today, not feeling my exactly prettiest.. my make-up was put on in a hurry and my hair had tangled up once again (it tends to do that a lot). As I thought about my messy appearance I remembered one of the best things my dad has ever taught me;  -The most beautiful make-up you could have is your smile. I count to that a sense of inner happiness. To appreciate who you are, inside and out. My parents have taught me a lot. My teenage self might not have understood or paid attention to the little things, but the years have opened up my eyes to the things that matter.  My parents have taught me that friends matter, as I was younger we had all kinds of parties and get-together with our family friends.The parents and all their kids.We even traveled up north during the winter to ski, daytime hike, ride reindeers (we even got our drivers license) and play board-games like Pictionary and make pancakes in the evening.  You can maybe imagine what a bi...

Sometimes I wish you were here. Where ever you are. I do not know if I already met you or if I am still about to. How do I find you, and how do I know when I have found you ? Sometimes I meet someone who seems nice and kind, and then I get let down. So how am I supposed to trust again, not be afraid to see the good, trust in it, that it is real and not just for show ? How do I know that what I found is good, and how do I find you ? I miss you. .. Yes.. I miss him, and maybe you should not be allowed to say that, how can you really miss someone that you do not even know ?..Well, all I know is this feeling. That finally found them feeling, that feeling of safety, that feeling of knowing that this is the person you want to take your life's adventures with, that feeling that you do not have to say anything, you could just be. That feeling of laughing to something stupid that only the two of you understand. Seeing them smile.  But here is the other truth.. no matter how much I som...

I wanted to write this for a friend, but even for those who appreciate real or have lost touch to it. I am talking about having contact with people over the Internet, typing through Whatsapp or all the ways people have to communicate with each other through technology. What happened to real? Get of your phones and do everything you can to actually spend time together. And yes, sometimes it is the only way you can keep contact, and in a lot of cases I really wish it would not be. I like real. and typing to someone over the Internet.. that is not it. A smiling face of a small yellow man, no matter how happy he might look, just does not beat a real smile, and the true warmth that lights up inside when you can genuinely feel them being happy. It is like my friend J said; when you meet someone or talk to someone over Whatsapp, It is like you loose your 6th sense. What that means is that you can not really express yourself or show the the real you, its easy to misunderstand each-othe...

Sometimes I feel old, old like 40 at 24. I guess it is all that energy I gave away, I am tired, but want more then anything to live again, not necessarily smart (seriously sometimes I doubt my IQ when I can not seem to open a door) but maybe somewhat wise, or wiser than before. I do not do (as many) stupid things, I listen to my gut when I feel that something is or might go wrong, I can leave a party early or drink less without feeling bad about being the "boring one ". I like to go on long walks with a friend, drink tea while sitting by the window, and I save money for travelling to new places, the rest gets saved for the future. I guess I have grown up. At the same time I sometimes miss the feeling that I have never had, of being more care free,  I also sometimes wish that I would be able to let go and live life like it never happened. But you live, and I choose to continuously try to learn from it. Trying to meet men when feeling like an old soul, is not easy. Eve...

There are so many beautiful, funny and smart girls out there, why would he choose me ? We all ladies know that feeling, when we are at a party, a workout class at the gym or just walk down the street. We always see that prettier, more fit girl who seems to have it all under control or that smarter girl who has a presence that you feel that you could only dream of having. You should read my thoughts sometimes when I am sitting at that yoga class, clumsy and inflexible as something out of a bad cartoon, looking at those perfect girls with there perfect tanned skin and long blond hair.. And another example,  a while back, I saw that guys profile picture and there was this girl who had posted like a gazillion hearts (okey fine maybe not a gazillion.. ) and other comments there.. Well she was pretty.. and seemed perfect, and in that moment I thought, well no matter what he said about me, about him liking me.. I do not think I stand a chance.. During the past year I have had this ...

I felt like I had lost everything I was, and every good part that I once had in my life. If I still had some of them, I had lost touch to them. I was lost. How should I start to find my way again ? Who was I ? What did I want in my life ? I did something.. I wrote a list, a list of big and smaller things, the tiniest things to remember, I guess we could call them "feel-good and finding your way to your own life things ".  I wrote it at my parents summer place, just a week after I left him. The list included everything from examples of new hobbies, friends to reconnect and get in touch with, new methods to positive thinking  and those small moments that you need to remember to take for yourself. Here is an example of what it looked like: - Become a member of your Student Nation/ Organisation - Redecorate your apartment (get rid of old bed, refurnish, make it yours) - Ask how N is doing, visit her back home ? - Remember to be your own best friend - Catch up with J,...

Love, Closeness... It is a very private subject.. and we rarely talk about it (at least this openly) But I wanted to, it is important, at least to me. As much as this is the important one.. it`s also the most difficult one.. luckily I just had a glass of wine with my friend, I thought about If I should write this down now or another time, but since it is such an emotional subject I decided to give it a go right now, maybe that one glass of wine just might make me more relaxed.. So...   For me it is a glance and the smile on your face  the touch of your hands, And an honest embrace For where I lay it is you I keep, This changing world I fall asleep Those are some of the words in Vanessa Carltons song Home , that song means a lot to me, and I am listening to it as I write this down. Simply said every single part of this song makes me feel safe and it is that feeling that I hope to have and share with that right someone there somewhere in the future. Choose someo...

Today I got to be a part of showing kids at an elementary school how to throw a lifeline when you are trying to save someone at sea. Later it triggered the thought about saving someones life, and how even the smallest of gestures can make the biggest of difference. The day before that moment that changed my life for the better, I had met a few fellow camp leaders in a park. We stayed and talked and when it was time to leave we had to clime over a small fence, the two guys that were walking towards the same direction from the park asked me if I needed any help in getting over that fence. [ And they did not  know about my relationship or that just about a week before I had fallen through my family friends old dock right in front of my boyfriend so badly that the bruises on my thigh would still show months later, he had helped me with icebags as my mom told him too but right after that he sat at the only chair on the cliff playing games on his mobile phone while I got to s...

  So why do we stay with a partner like this? I asked myself that question several times. Here you have some answers:  In the beginning of the relationship, or even before you started dating there were good things, things you had been waiting for for so long, things you felt that you needed. Also, in my case I really did not know him at all before we started dating. I remember when we met, we worked at the same grocery market for the summer, we were out on an Island, and he was far from his normal surroundings. We rode of with our bikes together and ones we stopped near a mountain and climbed up to see the view, we sat down on an old tree and he told me that I had ants in my shoe and that he should try to get them of, which I found to be the cutest any guy had ever said to me. For years I tried to make him remember that moment, but according to him that never happened, which was sad, its moments like these that I value the most, the small things. That summer we...